Slogans for all 30 MLB teams now that the 2008 season is underway

SCOTT JACOBS

Baseball it seems more then any other sport, always has the cheesiest slogans. The Marlins for years have put dreadful teams on the field with Triple A players yet their marketing gurus always make them sound like the greatest product ever. Well, JSB is getting down and dirty, and that means slogans for all 30 teams. No sugar coating allowed.

RED SOX- Now returning virtually the entire team intact from our 2007 title team. Cause that worked out really well for the 2007 Miami Heat!
YANKEES- Like Hockey? Because not even A-Rod’s 300 million dollar contract could buy us the last game at the House that Ruth Built, and Money Tore Down.
BLUE JAYS- Be patient loyal fans, we’ve petitioned baseball to move to the NL Central. Maybe the Pirates will switch?
RAYS- Is our new nickname about the fish under water or the sun shine above our heads? Come to the ball pack and try to figure out why we’re too ashamed to put Tampa Bay on any of our new uniforms!
ORIOLES- Good players at great prices guaranteed. Anybody can be had, and we mean anybody.

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INDIANS- Come watch C.C. Sabathia pitch his last season at the Jake (we mean The Prude) afterall, it’s not like we can afford to resign him for 2009!
TIGERS- Come watch the All Time Marlins team compete for a World Series. Now starring Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis as the most recent guys a rich team like us could pry away from the fish for a bag of prospects.
WHITE SOX- 2005 was only three years ago. Wait, how is that possible?
ROYALS- Watch Gil Meche and Alex Gordon and the rest of our beloved Royals battle out the Twins for fourth place supremacy in the Central!
TWINS- Coming soon a new stadium. Now playing: a horrible team without Johan Santana.

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MARINERS- Last year was no fluke, and to prove it, we traded a bunch of guys for that “get us over the hump starting pitcher” that you had never even heard of until ESPN hyped the crap out of him. But thanks ESPEN.
ANGELS- Forget Torre. We’ve got a better Torre, and he only cost us $90 million. We might even ask him to manage a few games (Just kidding, but seriously, we might).
RANGERS- Nolan Ryan’s back. O crap, he can’t pitch anymore. Or can he?
ATHLETICS- We’re like that acne medication ProActiv: we get a lot worse, like really really bad, and then slowly we start to get better. And then before you know it, we move to Fremont!

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METS- Now made with real bits of Johan Santana, so you know we’ll be good. Not to mention collapse free since 2007.
PHILLIES- Start waving those playoff white towels now, because they’ll be no post-season for your fighting Phils in 08. Unless of course somebody, uh, you know, collapses?
BRAVES- Welcome to a brave new world of mediocrity. Our new blue alternative jerseys should keep you distracted for at least a few weeks as we meddle through another playoff-less year. But by all means, don’t stop that Tomahawk Chop!
NATIONALS- To show our commitment to winning, not only did we build the nicest ballpark in 2008, we didn’t let anyone corporately sponsor it. And with great views from anywhere on the field you don’t have to watch our boring ball club.
MARLINS- I just saved 30 million dollars on my team payroll by switching to prospects!

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CUBS- Don’t get your hopes up: it’s not like we’re going to win a World Series in our 100th year of futility. But hey, 2018 is always a possibility.
BREWERS- Everyone will pee their pants if we make the playoffs. And who doesn’t want to see urine stains on grown men’s jeans? (You don’t have to actually answer that question).
REDS- Who did we get that made us everyone’s sleeper pick in the NL? Who ever it was, fire them, because having expectations is a very dangerous thing, for a very mediocre baseball team.
ASTROS- Vote now if you’d like to see Roger Clemens pitch for the Stros in 2038. In the meantime watch Miguel Tejada and steroid allegations plague an old and declining team.
PIRATES- Did you know that there was a hockey team with our same name and colors from 1925-1930? That ought to distract you from the fact that we’ve been post-season free since 1992.
CARDINALS- The fall from grace is complete, but at least you can watch it in the second newest ballpark in baseball.

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DIAMONDBACKS- Josh Bynes bobblehead night coming soon: he saved our team from purgatory and now we’re championship contenders. God bless former Red Sox executives.
ROCKIES- If we were indeed a fluke in 2007 (we weren’t) then we were sure as hell one heck of a fluke to watch. This year we go for 22 out of 23. Can we do it? Come get a mile high with us to find out.
DODGERS-It’s been fifty years since we tore out Brooklyn’s hearts, and we plan to celebrate that by wearing a patch all year.
PADRES- We’re relying on Mark Prior to get us over the hump. Wait, what the F***!!!
GIANTS- Now that Barry Bonds is gone there is officially no reason whatsoever to watch us play. Seriously, stop televising us.

Just missed the cut:
RED SOX- It feels great just to be like every other team again.
RAYS- Should we sign Bonds? Should steroids be legalized? You fans get to vote!
MARLINS- If you need a player, truck, or stadium who you gonna call: the Marlins!
MARLINS- Be there Opening Day 2008 to watch a real team: the New York Mets!
CUBS- We’re not special anymore if we win one

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