Bucholz Steals Laptops, Donnie Walsh is Crazy & More
COLIN LINNEWEBER
I thank you all for taking the time to give me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain with my rapid take on the past few days in the world of sports.
NEW YORK YANKEES
The New York Yankees surprised many onlookers this off-season by not succumbing to temptation and trading their prized farmhand, Phil Hughes, to the Minnesota Twins for their two-time Cy Young Award-winning ace, Johan Santana. Santana, 29, is widely considered to be the best pitcher in the sport and it was presumed acquiring the lefty-ace would catapult the Bombers to their first world series championship since the 2000 season. A fan of any team would love to have Santana and his career 94-34 record in their rotation. But, I genuinely believe the Yankees made the correct decision when they passed on Santana and I am confident that their choice to do so will pay dividends in both the future and present.
Hughes, 21, has obvious capabilities and I can envision him contending for the Cy Young Award as early as this year. But, the Bombers reluctance to jettison their blazing center-fielder, Melky Cabrera, 23, in the trade was an equally imperative retention. ‘Leche,” a switch-hitter who has been among the league leaders in both triples and outfield assists since debuting in 2005, is a dynamic spark plug who will likely be the centerpiece to New York’s outfield for the next 13-seasons. The homegrown combination of Hughes and Cabrera have an opportunity to be something special in Gotham and it is a stark and pleasant change in the Yankees approach that they will have a chance to see their potential materialize in the Bronx. As the adage goes, sometimes the best trades are the ones that never happen.
PAUL O’NEILL
Former New York Yankees right fielder Paul O’Neill retired at the end of the 2001 season with five world-championship rings and a legendary reputation for being a “warrior” in the Bronx. O’Neill, a 5-time All-Star selection who won the batting title in 1994, may not quite be a Hall of Fame caliber ballplayer. But, he demands respect and respect is not giving his jersey number to some journeyman gump named Latroy Hawkins. I mean, seriously, Latroy Hawkins! Adorning Hawkins with O’Neill’s jersey number is akin to stripping Al Pacino of his Hollywood Walk of Fame star in favor of Elizabeth Berkeley for her captivating performance in Showgirls. The Yankees brass should be ashamed they enabled this debacle to occur and they need to rectify their nonsensical decision in a quick and timely fashion. Latroy Hawkins!?!?
JOBA CHAMBERLAIN
As long as a throng of midges aren’t involved, like Kenard in the Wire, Yankees flamethrower Joba Chamberlain, 22, just “gets shit done.”
CLAY BUCHOLZ
The Boston Red Sox stud pitcher Clay Bucholz, 23, has a lot of talent and I am positive that he will be a mainstay in the rotation at Yawkey Way for quite some time. But, the kid wears enough silver chains and beaded necklaces to be a white man’s answer to a flaming Mr. T and he really should renovate his style entirely. Bucholz is lucky he didn’t get sentenced to a “federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison” when he stole 29 laptops from a high school and sold them 5 years ago. His sweat-pea collection of jewelry would have prompted an abundance of undesired attention from inmates looking to become his “friend.” It’s never too late to change, Clay.
JOSE CANSECO
Jose Canseco recently claimed that 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace, 89, inquired to him after being interviewed in 2005 about the benefits of steroids and HGH and he wondered if utilizing those drugs would behoove a man of his age. What can one really say in response to Canseco’s newest allegation? What’s the brazen whistleblower possibly going to charge next? That he injected Nancy Reagan with Winstrol during a break of her inaugural “Just Say No” drug awareness campaign. With Canseco, everyone’s in peril of being smeared.
DONNIE WALSH
After being hired this week by the New York Knicks to serve as their new President, Donnie Walsh was asked why he decided to take over for the false prophet, Isiah Thomas, and he responded by saying, “I”ll be honest with you, I don’t know why I did it.” As Jesus Quintana once said in The Big Lebowski, “You said it, man.” Thomas has created a wasteland that will take ions to be rectified and no one can say with certainty that Walsh has enough years left to see a transformation at the Garden. After a few months conversing with Knicks Owner James Dolan, Walsh will likely wish he opted for retirement instead of 7th Avenue.
NCAA TOURNAMENT
The NCAA men’s championship game between Memphis University and Kansas is not scheduled to begin until 9:22 PM on Monday. Red Bull, anyone?
I again thank you all for providing me with your time. Without your readership, I would have absolutely zero reason to write.
Popularity: 5% [?]
Yankees Suck - third place in AL East this year - who gives a shit about O’Neil’s number and why do you care about Bucholz’s jewelry? So what about the laptops - we have all made mistakes plus he scores Penthouse hotties and you hang in the men’s suana waiting for Ross.
Not to shabby of an article. I despise the Yankees but I agree on the whole Paul O’Neil thing. But that shows you who the Yankees are. They don’t care about who you are or what you have done and especially the fans. They just do what ever they want. Taking a stadium and screwing the fans for a bunch of rich folk is crazy. But who am I to say what George, Hal and Hank “The Tank” say. Joba is dirty but with this whole Bucholtz thing I have to quote my father-in –law (John the Met Jet Dolan) “Hey why rehash old news.” It’s old news bro, buy the Sport Illustrated March 31st edition. They all ready covered it. Come on stealing some laptops or screwing around on your wife. I take stealing laptops as an adolescent. I think A-Rod’s Wife and many other wives would agree.
A-Rod hahaha - A-Rod’s wifa hahahahaha yo NY you can have them both - good luck with that … Billy Buck throwin out the first pitch! We don’t need no stinkin Dr. Charles!
Blue Jays have the best starting roation in the American League!!! YUP they do, what about the whole league? Is that possible? Doc, A.J., McGowen, Marcum, and Litsch!
CLAY BUCHOLZ. I am ashamed he is a fellow Texan with all the jewelry. Be a man, and ditch the jewelry which is for women. No hair gel, scarves, wearing the color pink, getting your nails done, no umbrellas, etc. Those all make you less of a man.