Eric Cartman, Pink Floyd, Victory Smokes & More
COLIN LINNEWEBER
Welcome! Below are my thoughts on the week that was in the world of sports.
PAT SUMMIT
Head Coach Pat Summit and her Tennessee Lady Vols basketball team defeated Stanford University last Tuesday night 64-48 to win the women’s NCAA Championship game for the second consecutive season. Summit, 55, a 7-time NCAA Coach of the Year, won her 8th championship as the Lady Vols leader and she closed to within 2 crowns of tying legendary UCLA Coach John Wooden for the most all-time among college coaches. Nevertheless, despite her accolades, lack of visible tattoos and race, I bet Don Imus would still consider her a “nappy-headed ho.”
JOHN CALIPARI
Memphis Head Coach John Calipari will rue his decision to not utilize his final timeout in last week’s NCAA Men’s Championship game until the day that he meets his maker. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”
LEBRON JAMES
Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers, Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics and Chris Paul of the New Orleans Hornets were all tremendous this season and the entire trio deserves credit for the enormous impact that they had on their respective teams in the 2007/2008 campaign. Nevertheless, as Bill Parcells is known to say, “the numbers don’t lie.” Cleveland Cavaliers superstar Lebron James, 23, recorded statistics this year that were otherworldly (30.0 points, 7.9 rebounds, 7.2 assists) and if he doesn’t win the award it’s an injustice to both himself and to the league. Without King James, the Cavaliers would have been hard-pressed to win more than 10 games this season and I for one believe that they could have lost to Michael J Fox’s squad in Teen Wolf.
KOBE BRYANT
Still, when sentimentality and politics play their roles. look for Bryant to win his first lifetime achievement award (MVP) when the votes are collected.
KYLE FARNSWORTH
When having their name called on the public address system at Yankee Stadium, every Bomber is introduced with their chosen music blaring in the background. For example, legendary closer Mariano Rivera exits the bullpen with Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” clamoring and Big Apple favorite Paul O’Neill greeted the Bronx faithful with the Who’s “Baba O’Reilly” resounding throughout the stadium. With that in mind, I think reliever Kyle Farnsworth’s ideal anthem would be Pink Floyd’s “Goodbye Cruel World.” Unfortunately, I do not believe that Farnsworth needs to be kept astray from sharp objects. But, if Manager Joe Girardi continues to allow him to cripple the Yankees with his unseemly debacles late in games, I may put myself at personal risk.
CHIEN-MING WANG
Yankees ACE Chien-Ming Wang was desecrated last year by critics for his putrid performances against the Cleveland Indians in the ALCS (0-2, 19.06 ERA). Those same critics who bashed Wang, 28, conveniently dismiss the fact that he has won more games (49-18, 3.64 ERA) since the middle of the 2005 season than any other starting pitcher in Major League Baseball. Wang absolutely was subpar at a very inopportune time for himself and the Yankees. But, Wang’s futility was not an ongoing A-Rod-like post-season demise. Wang simply had two bad outings. The Taiwanese import is one the best pitchers in the sport and, with the possible exception of Mets lefty Johan Santana, there is nobody I’d trust more to take the mound in October.
JIMMY LEYLAND
Despite their anemic 2-11 start, I still predict that Detroit Tigers Manager Jimmy Leyland will enjoy many a victory smoke when it’s all said and complete.
ERIC CARTMAN AND BELICHICK
Last week on an episode of South Park, the portly, foul-mouthed caricature Eric Cartman revealed the true reason that the heavily-favored New England Patriots faltered against the New York Giants 17-14 in Super Bowl XLII.
“Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said let’s win this one for real… Just this one time.. Let’s not cheat. You know what happened? They lost. Even if you feel all eyes are on you, you can’t give up on cheating!” — 4.9.08, Cartman, South Park.
Any way you portray it, South Park’s resident fat-boy provided some of the great investigative journalism our nation has seen since Woodward and Bernstein uncovered Watergate with the help of the enigmatic “Deep-Throat.” Now, nearly 3-months-later, the outcome of the game makes entire sense.
Agree or disagree with my vantages, I hope I was able to entertain. Thanks for your readership.
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What about the Frozen Four?
You’re right – who would want Beckett on the mound in October? Didn’t he stifle the Bronx Bums in the Stadium one October in this millenium? What did he do last October? Yeah, you’re right – Wang should handle your balls in October – Keep sniffing those cute lil pink panties.
Colin, sweetie pie – have you seen my pink panties? Last I remember you were wearing them
Have another bong hit – Kobe is a rapist but he’s ok – Belichick took the fall for all or most NFL coaches who practice “gamesmanship” for a competitive advantage but Kobe deserves a reward. You like to stick your finger in your ass and sniff it don’t you?
hmmmmmm, Pat Summit is white with straight blonde hair – nappy headed ho kinda misses the mark – you and Farnsworth have something in common – you both couldn’t hit water falling out of a boat. Not to fret though – we’ll give you some leeway – we realize your range is limited – just like Jeter’s.
Chris Paul is the one getting shafted as the Hornets may not have won ten games without him. Garnett’s biggest problem was how successful the C’s were when he was out hurt. Unfortunately you are right from all the rumors I have heard in that Kobe is definitely going to win.
Kobe will and deserves the M.V.P. this year! Finally the MVP will go the best player in the game, the first time since #23!!!
Bill BELICHEAT?