MITCHELL BLATT

So Scott Jacobs emails me, and he’s like, “Yo man, get yo playoff picks up.” And I’m like, “Are you fo real? Me making playoff picks? I don’t know shit about basketball–hell, I don’t know shit about sports in general–all my columns just revolve around me ranting incoherently about it, not giving analysis.” Anyway, this fool thinks he can beat me with his picks. Not gonna happen.

He may know more about sports than me, but I am still arrogant enough to say that I’m gonna beat him. I can also rAnt better than him (with a capital A), so I’ll just write a column clarifying my picks if I lose. As the Great Hillary Clinton would say, “If I misspoke, it was a misstatement.” As such, if any teams that I say will win lose, it was just a misstatement on my part when I picked them, and I really meant to pick the other team.

So here are my picks:

So you think I was gonna write my picks here. Gotcha!

Like I said, I’m a really good ranter, so I will rant about my thoughts on the NBA n shit. Then my picks will be at the end.

So have any of you seen those freakin commercials with two players faces and both of them talking about how they want to win a title? I’ve seem them with the KGB (Kevin GarBron) and Shaq O’Bryant. The Shaq one really annoys me. Shaq and Kobe shouldn’t be talking like that together on a commercial. If they go on a commercial together, it should have Kobe getting ready to show his hops then Shaq ramming into him with a car.

Sports Illustrated had an article about how The Association wants to have the Celts vs the Lakers in the Finals. Showtime vs Larry Legend. A lot of years after the fact. But both teams are still really similar to what they were back in the day. The Lakers still how the best* player in the league with the charisma and scoring ability and he has a few more good players to complement him now. The Celts have a bunch of good players like in the past, but none of them are white.
*-second best

Now that’s a matchup I’d actually think about watching. That’s what the NBA needs. Most years they have a very small percentage of people think about watching the Finals. But if they have those two teams, everyone will think about watching them.

I probably won’t watch them, though, even after thinking about watching them. It’ll be June for God sakes. I’ll be on vacation somewhere, maybe catch a little bit of the game at dinner, depending on the restaurant, watch some more late at night, so at least I’ll catch a few finishes. The only problem with this matchup, I guess, is it will extend even later into June since it likely won’t be a 4-0 sweep, so then there will be even longer playoffs.

At least it wouldn’t be a boring, cliche matchup featuring two TEAMS that were BUILT OVER TIME with a lot of TEAMWORK and DEFENSE. I mean, the Spurs best player, their only star, wasn’t even a playoff star. Tony Parker wins MVP, and the only star power he has is his wife. The Pistons are the same. In 2006, they got their ENTIRE starting lineup into the All-Star game just for playing team basketball and being the best team, but none of the players were very good. Only one was actually voted in then the other coaches chose the other four as reserves. Probably a conciliatory gift, cuz the other coaches then beat the Pistons more in the second half of the season and ended their playoff run early.

The Lakers and Celtics are cool cuz they have a bunch of selfish ballers and they didn’t try to hard to really build a team. Give the Lakers credit for making some good trades and getting young guys that have gotten good this year like Odom and Bynum. The Celtics also did some trading like the Lakers, but, they were like, “Screw building a team. We’re gonna get three established players, win this year, and say hell to the future.” Or at least delay rebuilding a few years–not like they had a future, anyway.

And the players are classic. Kobe saying, “Doctor Buss is an idiot.” Kobe doesn’t even need a migraine to demand a trade. Kevin Garnett never wins. Paul Pierce is a model asshole and ballhog. A scene in the book, “The Sixth Man,” had Pierce arguing with Damon Jones at the 2005 All-Star Game, saying, “I made you,” to which Jones replied that he was still good after leaving Pierce and that the Heat had the best record in the league. Pierce was like, “Who cares about winning. Look at my stats.” Just to put in perspective Pierce’s ego, Terrell Owens was sitting on a chair quiet while the whole thing went down.

Then all three players realized they were at the end of their careers and they might want at least one ring before they retire, so they might as well win it the easy way. That’s what I love about basketball.

(Unlike baseball, basketball mirrors America.)

Anyway, here are my round-by-round picks. (Ask Scott to do that!)

West
Round 1

Lakers over Nuggets - Kobe more selfish than AI.

Jazz over Rockets

Suns over Spurs

Mavs over Hornets

Round 2

Lakers over Jazz

Suns over Mavs

Semis

Lakers over Suns - The games are rigged! Rigged, I tell you! The NBA wants the Lakers!

…
Bush caused 9/11! He wanted it, I tell ya!

East
Round 1

Celtics over Hawks - The Celtics are better than the Hawks.

Cavs over Wizards - Who cares?

Magic over Raptors - Who cares?

Pistons over Sixers - The Pistons are better than the Sixers.

Round 2

Celtics over Cavs - I hate to make this pick, but technically, the Celts are better.

Pistons over Magic

Semis

Celtics over Magic - The NBA is rigged, as I said.

Finals
Celts vs Lakers - But wait, how could it be rigged if these are the two best teams?

Pick: Celtics - The Three Pigs get their rings. As it stands, I don’t actually think this will happen, but I think it has the greatest chance of happening of any of the other possible picks.

Scott, send me my money. This bet is over.

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