Lester, Specter & Giambi’s Erotics
COLIN LINNEWEBER
Big Media Bias Without The Boston Bullshit
As always, thanks for taking the time to give me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain you with my rapid take on the past few days in the world of sports.
JON LESTER
Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester (3-2) threw a no-hitter Monday night while leading his team to a 7-0 victory over the Kansas City Royals at Fenway Park. Lester, 24, who defeated a rare form of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma in 2006, is a storybook example of how perseverance and determination can triumph over adversity.
“I’ve been through a lot the last couple of years,” said the young lefty moments after he made history in Beantown. “Really, words can’t describe my feelings right now.”
Jon Lester’s actions the last couple of years have spoken louder than his words ever could. He is a heroic warrior and his remarkable performance Monday evening will not be forgotten anytime soon. Congratulations, Jon!
JASON GIAMBI
New York Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi revealed this week that he wears a gold lame, tiger-striped thong when he is mired in a prolonged batting slump.
“I only put it on when I’m desperate to get out of a big slump,” the abuser of steroids told Portfolio.com.
“The Giambino,” a non-blinking freak whose body is engulfed with tattoos, has shared his erotic undergarment with teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura and Robinson Cano to help them with their hitting struggles at various points since becoming a Bomber in 2002.
As if it hasn’t been difficult enough to support a team that employs the frost-tipped Alex Rodriguez and the neanderthalic Kyle Farnsworth, Giambi’s disclosure adds yet another embarrassing layer to the teams present makeup. As my friend Ben Williams said regarding the Bombers current roster, “We might have to put one or two of the players down like Eight Belles to get back on track.” Amen, Brother Williams. Euthanizing may be the only legitimate answer to cure all that ails the organization from the Bronx.
ARLEN SPECTER
After meeting with former New England video assistant Matt Walsh Wednesday, iconic United States Senator Arlen Specter said that he wants an independent and impractical investigation into the Patriots illegal taping practices.
“What is necessary is an objective investigation, and this one has not been objective,” said Specter.
Specter, the ranking Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, did not flatly demand a congressional investigation during his press conference. But, the sage political dynamo insinuated that there is a possibility of hearings in the future.
“If they don’t [act], I think it’s up to Congress to investigate and take corrective action,” said Specter, who said his office has been stonewalled in its attempts to investigate. “It might be hearings. My colleagues will know and have access to all the information I do, but let them decide.”
In lieu of Specter’s noble crusade to thwart cheating in sports, I firmly believe that he deserves to have his image sculpted into Mount Rushmore National Memorial in South Dakota. It would be a befitting tribute to have Specter become the first non-president to have his Chevy Chase adorned on the shrine of democracy.
Washington…Jefferson…Roosevelt…Lincoln…Specter.
WHO CAN’T USE MORE ARLEN SPECTER?
In the late-1990’s, the phrase “what would Jesus do?” again became a popular motto uttered by thousands and thousands of Christians everywhere. In light of Specter’s holy work last week, I am considering following the words, “What would Arlen do?”
Thanks again for your time. Without your readership, I’d have absolutely zero reason to write.
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Whoa - frosted tips out? What about purple lip gloss?
Isn’t this supposed to be without Boston bullshit? Then why do you open your column with the Sox?
Lester deserves props…”Without the Boston Bullshit” or not….Sometimes, you just have to bite the bullet and tip your cap.
Does Mitchell still suckle his milk from Mommy?
If not I’m lactating baby
Clearly you just don’t know when to stop - first two topics were dead one but you ruin it with the last. Arlen Specter is an idiot and not iconic. Do you know what iconic means? Can you relate to us anything this 20 term putz of a senator who has been feeding off the government trough like a bloated swine has ever done - other than take money from Comcast which is feuding with the NFL? Here’s another word for you … misinformed - look it up and you can use it in a future blog to describe yourself.
I heard that Buckholtz lent his necklaces to Lester. I also heard that Giambi lent his thong to Colin and Colin has been sniffing them constantly
Is it wrong to wear another man’s thong? Who knew.
Where am I? What’s this all about anyway? Bill Beliwho? What’s my name again? Where am I? How did I get here? Got to go now the Comcast check just arrived and I just pooped in my pants again. Colin where are you? You got to wipe my ass again!
Jumping ship already! Christ over Giambi’s thong! God Damn it Colin - where the christ do you think that steriod freak got the thong? I’ll tell you where you god damned ass - ME! That’s god damned right ME! I gave him the F!@#$# thong OK and I had a pair for you too - extra small just like me - but Noooooo you had to go jump ship on me - well jesus christ almighty that’s it - it’s over - no more - no more thongs, no more anything. Christ somebody - a marlboro please - a camel, a f&^%$# kool - anything! God god almightly - what? A scorecard from the Red Sox comeback in 2004 is buried in the new stadium?
What the hell - god damn it all - where’s my F*&^%^& cigarettes people - someone- anyone! What the christ!
No mention of the burgeoning slugger in the Boston Men’s League?
Ok - I’ve had a moment to think and choke down a few butts. I would like to announce that the New York Yankee Franchise, including the new stadium and the Yes network are now posted for sale on EBAY. The asking price, a carton of Merit Ultra lights and a Bic lighter (a big one - not the chincy smaller one) and a one way ticket to Tampa or best offer. Thank you and let the bidding begin.
Giambi has had it since he was with Oakland. So the question is did the Yanks know he was a transvestite or a cross dresser or whatever the heck you call it and still sign him?
God bless y’all.
I guess those freakin Sox fans were right all along. Even Colin has removed his head from his ass and admitted it. The Yankees do Suck.
Matt Walsh takes it in the ass.
Just would like to say this is my first time here and that you got a very nice blog. But you really have to inform yourself better on the whole spygate thing with A. Specter. Its all just a load of crap. Yes the Patriots broke a rule but not because they filmed the other team but because they did it from the sideline. Scumbag walsh has turned in the tapes he had and he said he never claimed to have a walkthrough tape now doen he know of one existing. What else does this putz want? Well said Hammer.