COLIN LINNEWEBER

GREG MADDUX
Greg Maddux became the ninth pitcher in Major League Baseball history Saturday to win 350 games as he helped lead the host San Dieo Padres to a 3-2 victory over the Colorado Rockies. Maddux, 42, a four-time Cy Young Award winner who has a career record of 350-217 with a 3.12 ERA in 23 seasons, is simply the greatest hurler of the past 20-years. “Mad Dog’s” startling statistics speak for themselves. But, his credentials are even more impressive when one considers that he accomplished his litany of feats naturally and without jamming illicit needles into his ass. Maddux does not have a “third ear coming out of his forehead” and he certainly doesn’t appear strong enough to “pull a tractor with his teeth.” Greg Maddux resembles the character “Milhouse” from the Simpson’s and he is a genuine icon on the diamond and his clean and pure legacy will stand the test of time.

ROGER CLEMENS
U.S. Olympic baseball team General Manager Bob Watson said Wednesday that Roger Clemens will not be invited to play for his squad this summer in Beijing.

“From my standpoint, we don’t need that type of distraction,” said Watson.

Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner who is a serial philanderer and rumored abuser of steroids, should vanish like a plane in the Bermuda Triangle before his ailing reputation is desecrated any further. But, common sense will not prevail and the public should not expect a secluded Rocket. Under the guidance of his semi-retarded lawyer, Rusty Hardin, the fat-Texan is poised to become one of the biggest jokes the sports world has witnessed since Tonya Harding and/or the cunnilingus-loving cheerleaders of the Carolina Panthers, Renee Thomas and Angela Ellen Keathley. Unfortunately for Clemens, Americans generally don’t “misremember” national disgraces.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ
New York Yankees regular season statistics compiler and October failure, Alex Rodriguez, passed out during the birth of his daughter, Natasha, 3, in 2004 it was revealed this week on an episode of the YES Network’s “YESterday’s.”

“As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation,” Cynthia Rodriguez said. “I was, like, not even having a baby; he was the one. The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head, the other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm and my mother was like rubbing his back — and he is passed out on a couch.
“And I am there, in the middle of labor, and really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses. And he is there, moaning. In between pushing, I am going, ‘Honey, are you OK?’ And are you breathing? Are you OK?’”

Granted, if I saw a head coming out of my wife’s box, I may go down like the Titanic as well. But, it is not fair to provide A-Rod with any leeway whatsoever. After all, old purple-lips is a $275 million dollar man who has less RBI’s (1) in the postseason since Game 4 of the ALCS than Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka (2). A-Rod’s feeble stomach and lack of composure in the maternity ward three-and-a-half years ago yet again documents his lack of testicular fortitude in any kind of precarious moment. Because of his inability to thrive in pressurized situations, the Bronx Bombers will be hard-pressed to capture their 27th championship in team history at any point until Rodriguez’s contract expires in 2017.

CEDRIC BENSON
Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested in Austin,Texas last week for allegedly operating a boat while he was intoxicated and subsequently resisting arrest.

Sergeant Leonard Snyder arrested the former University of Texas star and he wrote in his report that he thought Benson was intoxicated because he was “combative,” “cocky,” “insulting,” and “profane” and at other times he was “crying” and “cooperative.” Unless you witnessed the incident, the only people who truly know what occurred that night are Benson and Snyder. Nevertheless, if the official police report holds even a granule of accuracy, Benson should be considered for the role of Sybil should a producer ever decide to create a remake of the 1976 drama film.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
The Pittsburgh Penguins will travel to Philadelphia with a 2-0 advantage in the Eastern Conference Finals to play the Flyers at the Wachovia Center Tuesday night. I know as much about the sport of hockey as Paris Hilton knows about abstinence. Still, I have a fleeting hunch that superstar Sidney Crosby and the Penguins are on the cusp of becoming a 90’s Chicago Bulls-like dynasty. Again, I am not exactly the mullet-cherishing Barry Melrose. But, I have that feeling. Stay tuned….

TONY ROMO
The Dallas Cowboys quarterback and Jessica Simpson’s banging partner, Tony Romo, cackled a horrific rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” on Mother’s Day at Wrigley Field in Chicago. Romo’s voice was so incredibly grating that he made Edith Bunker sound like Aretha Franklin. If Romo wants any “respect,” he should focus on his abilities on the gridiron or fans of America’s team will always look to the Cowboys past and sing “Those Were the Days.”

I thank you again for your time. Without your readership, I would have absolutely zero reason to write.

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