Quick Draft Satire

COLIN LINNEWEBER

As always, welcome and thanks for taking the time to give me some of your time. Below are two quick thoughts on last week’s NFL Draft.

ZBIKOWSKI VERSUS LEWIS

Former Notre Dame standout safety Tom Zbikowski was drafted last week in the third round of the 2008 NFL Draft by the Baltimore Ravens. Zbikowski, 22, a Golden Gloves boxing champion from Chicago who Irish Head Coach Charlie Weiss calls “all day tough,” will soon be one of the scrappiest people residing in the ultra-violent “Bodymore, Murdaland.” All football fans realize that the preseason is a charade and the sole intention of every one of the games is for both competing teams to emerge unscathed and healthy. So, to create a rush of excitement, league officials should cancel the Ravens exhibition contests this summer and instead sanction a best-of-three street fight between teammates Zbikowski and notorious bad-ass and acquitted murderer Ray Lewis, 32, at M&T Bank Stadium. The donnybrook could be billed as “the Catholic Crusader” versus “the Bloody Raven” and it would be the best thing to happen to Charm City since the unveiling of crab cakes. Arranging such an epic showdown should be more than food for thought for Commissioner Roger Goodell. For the sake of monotony and meaningless rehearsals, it should become Goodell’s main priority this off-season.

JONES LOVES PIGS

The Dallas Cowboys raised many observers eyebrows last Saturday when they selected former Arkansas running back Felix Jones with the 22nd overall selection in the draft. Jones, 20, is a decent runner who may excel on the next level. But, he was not worthy of being chosen at such an early juncture. At this point, in lieu of Jones’ dogged determination to also land SEC star Darren McFadden, one truly needs to wonder if Cowboys Owner and Arkansas alumni Jerry Jones has erotic dreams about Razorbacks running in the hot Texas sun. It may be the only way to make sense of “Felix the Cat’s” inexplicable ascension in the draft and the oil tycoon’s enormous adoration of pigs in motion.

I am thankful for your readership. Without you, I’d have absolutely zero reason to write.

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clinneweber

clinneweber

6 Responses to “Quick Draft Satire”

  1. What no mention of the Texas Con man this week?

  2. What … no mention of the World’s Fabulous Team … the NEW YORK YANKEES?
    Your an idiot! cough … hack …couch … got a light? - wait no I’ll just use this one to light the next one … Christ what an idiot I am … I mean you are

  3. I hate to admit this but I agree with Hankie Pankie about no mention of the NYY. You scream how great the Yankees are but when they are swirling down the toilet like the terds they are - nary a mention from you? What’s the term …fairweather fan?

  4. Are the Patriots hiring? I’ll pick up towels, clean bathrooms, sell popcorn, anything … will work for cheese!

  5. Colin - Roger reminds me of you … hung like a hampster but he likes girls

  6. Ray Lewis would slaughter Lebowski. The Dude abides.

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