The Week That Was
COLIN LINNEWEBER
Big City Bias Without the Boston Bullshit
Thanks for taking the time to give me some of your time. I hope I am able to entertain with my rapid take on the week that was in sports.
GEREMI GONZALEZ
Former Major League Baseball pitcher Geremi Gonzalez was killed Sunday after being struck by lightning on a beach in his homeland of Caracas, Venezuela. Gonzalez, who pitched for five teams from 1997-2006 en route to compiling a record of 30-35, died at the age of 33.
Everybody who knows me realizes that I suffer from a chronic case of hypochondria and I am constantly seeking reassurance from my friends regarding my physical health. When my next Bob Wiley-like moment inevitably occurs, I ask those close to me to please not utilize the pacifying phrase, “you have a better chance of being struck by lightning” than of acquiring that disease.
In light of this weekend’s tragedy, those comforting words won’t ease my concerns and hearing them may make me take “baby-steps” all the way to an insane asylum.
CARMELO ANTHONY
The New York Post reported last week that the New Jersey Nets and the Denver Nuggets are discussing a trade that would send Carmelo Anthony and Marcus Camby to East Rutherford in exchange for Richard Jefferson, Marcus Williams and the 10th overall selection in this June’s NBA Draft. Anthony, 23, a two-time All-Star who has averaged 24.4 points and 6.0 rebounds a game since his rookie season in 2003, is a spectacular talent with a chance to become one of the greatest small forwards in league history if he veers away from the pitfalls of parasites, money and fame.
“Melo,” a native of Baltimore who has been harshly criticized for his recent brushes with the authorities and for appearing in a menacing video entitled “Stop Snitchin’,” is a player with the abilities to alter an entire franchise and it would behoove the lowly New York Knicks to make a major offer to acquire the troubled Mile-High superstar. The Knickerbockers could assemble an attractive package highlighted by their 6th overall pick in next month’s draft and their spirited power forward David Lee, 25, among other bit parts from their roster. Granted, making a bid for Anthony is a genuine gamble considering his thuggish demeanor and antics. But, the Knicks are currently a nonentity and like Bob Dylan once sang, “When you’ve got nothing, you’ve got nothing to lose. You’re invisible now.”
The Knicks have been “invisible” this entire decade and Anthony would give the Knicks something to build upon for both the present and future. Newly-hired Knicks President of Basketball Operations Donnie Walsh needs to snare “Melo.” If he doesn’t, it will be his first mistake since taking reign at Madison Square Garden.
GARY CARTER IS A SERPENT
Former Big Apple catching legend Gary Carter publicly expressed interest in the New York Mets managerial position Friday despite the fact that Willie Randolph is still under contract and running the Metropolitans.
“Boy, I’ll tell you what, I would love that (the Mets job),” said the outspoken Christian on the “Mike and Murray Show” broadcast on Sirius Satellite Radio. “I got on the phone and I called (Mets VP of Media Relations) Jay Horowitz and I asked Jay, ‘Should I try to call Mr. Wilpon?’ If there is this going on, I just want them to know of my availability.”
Carter, 54, who is currently managing the independent Orange County Flyers of the Golden Baseball League, is a serpent who also pined for Art Howe’s job when he was still the skipper in Flushing in 2004 . Randolph is a class act and one can only hope that the day will come when he or someone else has the chance to pull a Judas and betray “Kid Carter” in the same fashion that he has to others.
JOBA CHAMBERLAIN
The New York Yankees announced Wednesday after they trounced the Baltimore Orioles 8-0 that they have begun the process of transitioning Joba Chamberlain (1-2, 2.66 ERA) from the bullpen into a starting pitcher. Chamberlain’s role with the Bomber’s has been hotly debated since he made his major league debut in the Bronx last August.
“It’s not like I’m transforming into a different person,” said the 22-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska native. “I’m going to continue to use the stuff that I’ve got.”
Bombers owner Hank Steinbrenner has been adamant with his desire to see Chamberlain join the starting rotation as quickly as possible.
“You don’t have a guy with a 100-mile-per-hour fastball and keep him as a set-up guy,” said the brazen chain-smoker. “You just don’t do that. You have to be an idiot to do that.”
Big Hank can rest easy now and exhale his Marlboro smoke into the city air. The “Joba Rules” will soon be a thing of the past and there is no clouding the possibility that a new ace may be about to emerge in the American League East. Only an “idiot” couldn’t see that.
Thanks again for your readership. Without you all, I’d have zero reason to write.
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Truly amazing how you can twist a Nets/Nuggets trade rumor into a spotlight on the Knicks. Did you miss the first 10,000 memo’s: NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE KNICKS. They are as miserable, and consistently mediocre, a franchise as the Montreal Expos, Milwaukee Brewers, Hartford Whalers and New Orleans Saints.
Gary Carter may be a snake, but the bottom line there is that Willie Randolph is a shit manager. Grady Little could get to the goddamn playoffs with the talent on the Mets roster. The Willie Randolph’s and Isiah Thomas’ of the world are making it more and more difficult for the NAACP to protest the ratio of afro-american coaches in sports.
I actually like watching Joba pitch, as his stuff is electric. But this is a clear case of desparation (and Hanks ignorance). When have we ever seen a reliever make a successful transitition mid-season into starting games? This is an honest question, if anyone can provide examples I would love to hear them.
Hey, Belichick….Ever hear og Francisco Liriano and Goose Gossage?
By the way, Philanderer…..The Knicks have made the finals twice in the past 14 years…Celtics have nary an appearance in 22 years.
Stop quoting me you “idiot” - wait am I the idiot or are you the god damned idiot - christ all fucking mighty this shit is confusing, maybe we’re both idiots, yeah that’s it we’re both idiots. Who’se this Gary Carter guy - can he manage? This fucking Girardi guy is getting on my nerves - Italians can’t manage - I should have learned that from the Torre jackass - does this Carter idiot smoke?
Damn lighter is out of fucking fluid afuckingain - what the christ!
“Italians can’t coach” ha!
Liriano blew his arm out in 2006, not 2 months after transitioning from reliever to starter, and he’s been useless ever since. Worse long-term move the Twins have made since negotiating Kirby Pucketts plea bargain.
Celtics will be in the finals in approximately 37 hours, so take my kalk in your mouth.
Knicks “invisable” - are you blind? The have been front page news due to their ineptitude and antics for months. Another headcase like Melo is certainly not the answer - although you should be a GM for a NY franchise - with your clear and forward thinking skills you would fit right in with Hank and Zeke. Carter has always been a snake and always will - he was one of the most despised players in MLB during is playing days. In fact I believe when he first crawled out of his hole anthropologists dubbed him “Permussnakus” or the more common name of
the “Permed Serpent”. The same anthropologists are calling you
“Scrotumscratchum” or Itchy.
Itchy will catch V.D. when lighting strikes.
Colin you and I are have a lot in common - we both speak without thinking, we both clearly have our heads our own butts and just about everyone thinks we’re jackass morons- my scrotum doesn’t itch though - have you seen a doctor about it? Is it fatal? If so will you’re job be available and if so how soon? Is there someone I can contact, you know, just to let them know I’m available … I love the Big Apple - some say I’m the worm in the apple - not sure what that means but it sounds cool - the worm in the Big Apple - do you have Hank’s number? Hank I’m available!
Itchy - give me a call at the clinic - the test results are in and we should discuss
treatment plans as soon as possible.
Is it true that you hold women to expectations that you yourself can’t meet? Just curious but if true I’d like my pink panties back - actually Itchy don’t bother just keep them and wear them in good health.
A million to one shot - I could have hit the lottery but no …lightning - go figure
I hear you consider yourself physically perfect - if that is true please explain the following… The line of unsatisfied woman you claim to have given the night of their lives and the scrotumscratchum?
Colin - Last night reminded me of the night I took a 13 year old’s virginity - what a thrill - anyway the real reason I’m writing is to ask if you can shed some light on why my vulva is so itchy and the odd discharge I’m experiencing after our night together? By the way for future reference for woman you will disappoint in the future - try multiple condoms - you will feel bigger and you might last longer than a few seconds - get back to me about the itch and discharge - thanks
Is it true? The rumors about a new strain of herpes, derived from the humid forest beasts of New Jersey? If so, how do I treat it? How many doctors need to diagnose it?
It is true - however the new strain of herpes has been contained to a single individual carrier with NJ roots who has spent time on Fire Island and in SF as well as string of Turkish Baths along the East Coast and a specific sauna in Boston. There is a reward for any information on the carrier who goes by the name of Itchy. There are no identifying characterists to the individual who has been described as “merely average in looks and below average in physical stature and intelligence.” Itchy does however walk with an odd gait and and has been observed numerous times frantically scratching is scrotum.
Colin - I have not heard back from you and I’m very concerned - my itchy vulva is worsening and so is the discharge - in fact the discharge has become so bad that all the nieghborhood dogs have been frantically circling my house, panting and howling with those red rockets all day - please call me - I’m so sorry for comparing you to a 13 year old - please call I’m ready to give in to the dogs