J Rose
Boston-based commentary with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer

Alright ladies & gents, boys & girls, step right up and witness the greatest snow job on Earth: the 2008 State Farm Home Run Derby, presented by ESPN, Taco Bell, DisneyWorld, Dimension Films, Chirs Berman’s hair and Cialis.

I’m your host, Chris “backbackbackbackBoomerdon’tcallmeEthel” Berman, and I’m proud to present Major League Baseball’s most useless, archaic, contrived competition since the World Baseball Classic.

Tonight’s competitors will attempt to send their seasons, and possibly their careers, into a tailspin by swinging as hard as they can at approximately 126 meatballs thrown by assorted batting practice coaches, clubhouse attendants and washed up former pitchers.

The player who survives the most rounds and hits the most BP fastballs into the seats full of drunk spectators who have paid way too much money to witness such a nonsensical event will be crowned the winner of the 2008 Home Run Derby. They will receive a free car, days of unwarranted publicity, and a free coupon to their local chiropractor.

(pause for “ooohs and ahhhs”)

Seriously, folks, has an all star exhibiton ever fallen as far as the Home Run Derby?

The answer is yes, the NBA Slam Dunk contest. But this is one ranks a close second.

Not so long ago this fun, goofy contest was the best part of the All Star break, pitting some of the games best and most recognized sluggers against one another in a test to see who could hit the most balls the farthest distance.

In the past, in-their-prime stars like Ken Griffey Jr, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, David Ortiz, Jim Thome, Frank Thomas and Barry Bonds signed on to wow the fans and juice the ratings.

Now we get Grady “milquetoast” Sizemore, Dan Uggla(ly) and Ryan (yawn) Braun.

Somebody pinch me!

At some point the Derby got off track and turned into a worse sideshow than the WNBA, another casualty of the steroid/juiced ball era, and I think I know where and when it happened.

Watching Sosa, McGwire and Griffey spray balls all over and out of Fenway Park in 1999 was as memorable a Derby as any in recent memory, but it could also be considered a possible turning point for the Derby’s popularity, because a few years later two of those guys would be impicated in the biggest drug scandal in professional sports history.

By 2005 the contest was kaput. MLB decided to pit the US against the World (original concept), and such lumiaries as Hee Sop Choi, Jason Bay and the artist formerly known as Pudge Rodriguez participated.

In that Derby, held at cavernous Comerica Park in Detroit, Bobby Abreu set a new record by blasting 24 taters in the first round en route to slamming a record-setting 41 long balls in the event, and his career hasn’t been the same since.

Entering the 2005 Derby, the then Phillies slugger had recorded six consecutive seasons of at least 20 homers, and he had 18 at the time of the All Star break. After the record-breaking Derby effort, Abreu hit just 6 more homers that season and only 41 longballs in 2 1/2 season since then, or as many as he hit in 3 rounds of Derbyball.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of the end of the HR Derby as a must-see TV event.

Popularity has waned ever since, with many sluggers opting out in fear of derailing their careers like Abreu, and the endless rounds and four hour run times served to kill what once was an entertaining, and speedy, event.

Last year Alex Rios won the event with a ho hum 19 homers. Wow.

This year it seems like interest in the Derby is at an all-time low. Perhaps it’s due to the lack of hig wattage sluggers. The fact that ESPN and Berman beats it into the ground. Chicks no longer dig the longball.

But whatever the reason MLB needs to get it figured out quick. Like the NBA, baseball needs a Superman to save what was once its most entertaining All Star event.

Before the viewers go away and never come back back back back….

Popularity: 8% [?]