PAUL NARDIZZI

Ben Roethlisberger, the Big Lunkhead quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers has netted himself a tidy six game suspension for illegal use of the genitalia inside a local bar in Georgia.  I think six games should be plenty of time for the puddlebrained dimwit to complete his gynecological exams and then figure out who will be his next victim.

After reading the police report detailing Big Bone escapade with the young unwilling victim, it’s a small wonder defensive linemen have such a hard time hauling Roethlisberger down.  If he can get completely waffled on booze and then somehow maintain his balance in a bathroom stall while having intercourse with a woman fighting like a Banshee to get away, the NFL pocket must be a piece of cake.    It’s also no great surprise  he’s so calm in the pocket, none of the bodies flying around in there are attractive enough to get Ben’s sexual attention; plus even if he did suddenly get a little turned on, he’s wearing a cup.

According to the victim,  Ben approached her with his penis sticking out of his zipper and asked her if she wanted to dance or maybe start a relationship.  When I read that I was shocked.  The guy is in a bar surrounded by young drunk women and he’s wearing pants.  Slight wardrobe walfunction, but still; good for him. At least he’s pointed himself in the right direction.

When Pittsburgh Steeler brass confronted Big Bone and inquired just what the $$%# was he thinking, the jaw jutted Neanderthal replied, “Me so horny.” Pittsburgh owner Art Rooney was none too happy with Big Bone, and even tried to trade the sex crazed lunatic during last week’s NFL draft.  A few teams looked into the deal, but shied away when learning that most of the local bathrooms in their respective metropolitan areas do not have locks, in addition to the fact that the local police force in those cities actually stop rapes as opposed to camping out next to a peephole and yelling “Move left, all I can see is your ass.”

The NFL draft is thankfully over, and the big winner was once again anyone who didn’t watch.  Mel Kiper did himself proud this year by once again spending tremendous amounts of hours poring over tape so he could then go on camera, send spittle careening in every direction ( I think even I got wet)  and then proceed to make a nice tidy 8 percent of his picks correctly.  When Mel eventually looks back on his life, I get the feeling a lot of tears are going to be shed.  If Mel were sitting next to me and exclaimed, “I watched four hours of tape on this backup DB, and I like the way he “… I would instantly cut him off and inquire, “You wasted how much %$$!  time?  You oughta watch some tape on yourself; I think the scouting report will indicate that you need to get out more.”

Al Davis had another crap draft and capped if off by obtaining embattled Washington Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell.  Makes you wonder if they have TVs in Oakland.  One ESPN guru stated that Campbell fit into the Raiders long pass philosophy.  Really?  I’ve watched four Raider games in the past year and the only ball they suckcessfully got downfield came off the foot of the punter.  There is no doubt the Raiders are now run by a fading mental patient.  At one point in the draft a beleaguered Davis put the phone down and shouted, “Detroit will swap picks with us.  let’s trade Plunkett.”  A staff member quickly grabbed the phone, placed it on the base and informed Al that the Pistons were not in the NFL.

Paul Nardizzi is a comedian who has appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brein, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, the NESN Comedy All Stars and elsewhere. He is the author of The Sarcastic Sports Trivia Book Vol. I & II.

Photo: AP

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