Juiced Sports Blog would like to welcome Paul Nardizzi to the blog. Paul is a comedian who has appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brein, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, the NESN Comedy All Stars and elsewhere. He even has a Wikipedia page! And his official website. Also, Paul is the author of The Sarcastic Sports Trivia Book Vol. I & II.

Tiger Woods is back  so once again the debate rages over whether or not he can break the Grand Slam record.  Personally I think the last four months he spent in seclusion are going to make it difficult for him.  There were a lot of missed opportunities during that time.  If he is going to break the record, he needs to get out there full time and really devote himself to what matters most. 

Tiger says the record is important to him, and it should be; he has worked hard to get this close.  But if he’s going to make a run at Wilt Chamberlains historic 20,000 women slept with, he needs to get that old cell phone back and start patching things up so he can get the flesh meter running again.

Remember Wilt had sex with 20,000 different women, so even if Tiger does break it, his record will have an asterisk next to it since he has done a lot of resowing on old ground.  

One thing that always bothered me about the inappropriately named Wilt’s record is that it’s constantly stated as, “Wilt had sex with 20000 women while he was alive.”  Really?  No %$$!!   Does that mean we aren’t counting the skanks who hopped aboard after he was dead and rigor mortis set in?  Where does that put the total?  Is it still climbing?   Who’s banging him right now?  Gosh, Tiger better get going.

Wilt’s life will soon be captured in film, as a documentary is being shot about the basketball players rampant sex life.   Gary Coleman is slated to appear in the film;  he will portray Wilt’s penis.  When Wilt gets circumcised partway through act one, Webster steps in as a stunt double.  And when Wilt dies, Gary Coleman is replaced on screen by Grady from Sandford and Son.

Anyone else glad Tiger didn’t win that tournament? I was actually pissed off the fans gave hm such a warm welcome. What exactly were they cheering for?  

“Here he comes, the guy who treats women like crap and drives drunk and gets away with it and takes our charity money and spends it on hookers so he can pull their hair and smash them in the teeth.   Tiger!!!!   Can you sign my wife’s breast?” 

“He also uses his deceased father to sell shoes made by 6 year old children in China.  Go Tiger!!  He slapped a porn star around and banged a girl in a parking lot next to a house of worship. We love you man, %$$! the Church!  I hope it was a handicapped spot and the guy had to walk 400 yards to get to Mass.  %$$ the handicapped, they suck, you rule.  I just got a text that Tiger hammered his best friend’s daughter in the rear end while the father was out front moving the lawn!   I’m cutting my lawn later, stop on by, there should be someone home.”

Tiger was close for a while, but in the end  all you saw was a man shanking balls in the woods and swearing his head off like he promised us all he would.  When Tiger yells the f word, is that out of anger, or is that a cry for more sex?  I think one reason Tiger got cut so much slack is that fans are buying this whole sex addiction thing.  It’s a pathetic hoax.  Everyone is addicted to sex.   If you aren’t then you go get get therapy.  

Seems like the only people who get treated for this bogus sex addiction are husbands getting caught by their wives.  You’ll never see a regular guy hammering some hot chick in bed exclaiming,   “I gotta get some help!  What the %$$ is wrong with me?  I have a wife at home, but this crippling disease keeps forcing me to sleep with women who are 300 pounds lighter. And believe me, I want to tell my wife, but I just don’t think she can handle the news that I’m so sick.  I am taking medicine for it, but so far the Viagra is just not working.”

Am I the only one who thinks Yankee pitcher  CC Sabathia should take the season off and go on the NBC’s Biggest Loser?  This man is grotesquely out of shape, in fact I watched him pitch recently and felt compelled to dial 911.  I told them there was a man about to have a heart attack and could they send some EMT’s over the Fenway park.  I believe the reason CC is so effective pitching is the hitters look out at the floppy titted, Himalayan ass cheeked slob on the mound and think, “How the @#$$ am I going to get the ball by that?”

CC would be a breath of fresh air on the Biggest Loser.  I find that show to be the most boring show on TV.  How does anyone sit through this putrid crud?  Watching obese people work out and lose weight.  I’d rather watch them gain it.  If I was going to watch that show, I’d watch it in reverse.  Change the rules, the first one who explodes wins.  I want to see these elephants up on stage eating one another like it’s some sort of primordial flesh banquet.   I can picture some big 500 pound mama sitting on top of the pile masticating on arm blubber while her opponent clocks her over the head with a severed cankle that resembles jello with a bone in it.  Then drop a bunch of cheddar snacks up there and watch them go into a feeding frenzy.  Bet that would get some ratings.

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