PAUL NARDIZZI

Floyd Mayweather Jr. upped his record to 41-0 last Saturday after a defeat of one time steroid cocktail drinker Sugar Shane Mosley. Floyd had his Dad Floyd Sr. working his corner, and after the fight both men boasted and bragged to the point where fight men and doctors stood nearby with buckets and pails as it looked like the Mayweather’s heads were going to explode. Fans awaited the outcome of the boastathon with great anticipation, as there is a great debate as to whether either Mayweather is in possession of a brain.

Most boxing fans wanted to see Manny Pacquiao fight Mayweather, but that deal couldn’t get done due to Mayweather insisting that each fighter donate several quarts of blood, three pounds of skin, an ounce of semen and a couple of vital organs to an Olympic drug testing unit moments before the fight took place. Mayweather’s Conspiracy Theory camp believes that Manny is on the juice; they cite as evidence many factors, such as if Manny isn’t on steroids, then how come he won’t let Mayweather and his Dad inspect his ass for a couple of hours? And if Manny is clean then how come he can’t explain his small genitalia, other than to say he’s 5 foot 6 which is no excuse in their opinion because Floyd Jr. is only 5 8”, yet he wears a wine decanter for an athletic cup.

So of course after all the accusations were made, it made perfect sense for the paranoid Mayweather to avoid fighting a guy he thinks is on steroids so he can then sign on to fight Mosley, a guy he knows did steroids. That’s like intentionally walking Mark McGwire because he cheats, so you can pitch to Barry Bonds. The bout was pretty lousy overall and predictable too. Mosley fought well in round one, and came close to knocking down Mayweather with a clean shot to the head, but then proceeded to get his own cranium smacked around for the rest of the night by the arrogant Mayweather. Usually fighters look worse for wear after a bout, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. looked like he just climbed out of a bubble bath.

Race car driver Derek Bell is rumored to be driving a Smart Car. That to me is pathetic. Is there a more embarrassing car on the road today? It looks like they castrated a Prius. That explains the tiny trunk in the back; you can put your balls in there. I don’t get the name either, how can it be smart car if you look like a frigging idiot driving the damn thing? If you’re going to drive a car, have some pride in yourself for crying out loud. That thing has windows, people can see you in there!

The Boston Marathon ran by my house a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t help thinking what a horrible event that is. First of all it’s the unhealthiest thing you could do to your body, short of jumping off a building naked while encased in a glass cylinder. A 26 mile run? That’s a long frigging car ride. The human body is not made to run that far. If it was, people would have scoffed at the invention of the train and said, “Why do I need that, I have feet.” Last year someone asked me to run the marathon for a charity. I turned them down on the grounds that I have always made it a point to never run a race where I can’t see the finish line.
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This year I stood along mile 8 listening to a pack of douche bags shout “whooooo” and provide tip to the runners like “keep it up……go for it.” I tried to counter their misinformation by yelling, “Slow down, think about what you’re doing, then pack it up and go home.”

Watching these misshapen buttheads jog by, I was not only overcome by the sheer stupidity of their actions, but the smell emanating from the course was not exactly reminiscent of a cool mountain breeze either. Instead of handing out cups of water, folks may want to consider travel size sticks of deodorant and tubes of Crest next year. One guy had such horrible breath I swear he was trying to outrun his own stench while simultaneously raising money for halitosis. I yelled, “I’m not a dentist pal, but I believe the reason you have an overbite is because your teeth are trying to escape!” He yelled , ”$#%% you, I brushed my teeth, this morning, I used Aim.” I said, “Well, you missed.” .

Numbskulls argue with me all the time about this, but I can prove the marathon is bad for you. The first marathoner was an ancient Greek who started this whole inane ritual off by running 26.3 miles up the mountains to hand a General some message about an impending attack. I forget what the message said; but I think it said, “Next time, send a Kenyan.” The point is the Greek guy dropped dead from the run. You think the General looked down and said, “We gotta make this an annual event!” The dead guy by the way was running to raise money for people who drop dead suddenly.

The place where the ancient Greek started his death run was an area in Greece called Marathon. So the event is named after the location of a tragedy. That would be similar to the NFL renaming the game of football so it’s now called OJ’s House.

That’s the other problem with the Marathon, the same country wins it every year. It’s become a total joke. The Kenyans have so many advantages; they train in the mountains of Kenya, they all seem to have gapped teeth which, when their mouths are open, cuts down on wind resistance and acts like a hood scoop, and they ‘re ultra skinny. So unless one of our runners moves to Africa to train, puts a baseball bat to a couple of his chicklits, and cuts out eating for a solid year, we aren’t going to be winning any marathons.

Paul Nardizzi is a comedian who has appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brein, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, the NESN Comedy All Stars and elsewhere. He is the author of The Sarcastic Sports Trivia Book Vol. I & II.

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