The Boston Bruins pulled off one of the greatest collapses in NHL history over the weekend.
PAUL NARDIZZI, Boston comedian
After blowing a 3-0 series lead, the Bruins did themselves even prouder by taking a commanding 3-0 lead in game 7, only to blow that to a Philadelphia Flyer team that was seemingly dead in the water 7 days previous. What made it even harder for Bruin fans to swallow was the fact that the B’s, whose own history book is already laced with an infamous too many men on the ice penalty in a Game 7 back in the 70’s, once again found themselves a man up despite no one in the opposing penalty box. This time the culprit was Marc Savard, who mistakenly thought six plus one still equals six, when in fact in hockey it equals two minutes in the sin bin during crunch time of a 3-3 game.
Savard had recently returned from a head injury, so he was not exactly the guy you wanted standing near the easy latch bench door when the game was on the line. Personally I would have strapped him to the bars of a steel cage every time he came off for a line change, and for backup I would have been clutching a tranquilizer gun just in case the meandering moron somehow escaped. I’ve never exactly been sure why hockey players always seem to have this ‘running out on the ice when it’s not their turn to be on the ice problem,’ and in particular during the playoffs. You never see two goonish centers in the NBA at midcourt saying, “Hey, being that we’re both white, I’m pretty sure one of us shouldn’t be out here right now.”
Savard’s head was clearly still not right based on a few other plays he screwed up during the series. He was asked after game 7 just what the F he was doing out there when his line mates all knew it was not time to go out there. The response was, “I was getting tight, so I decided to go for a walk. Luckily I was wearing a sweater as it was really cold out, it was a like a sheet of ice out there.”
Bruins Coach Claude Julien took the high road and did not blame any particular player for the loss, in fact he said, “We lost as a team and need to get better at both ends, we had our chances but just did not capitalize, the loss had nothing to do with that idiot Savard or his inability to count on his fingers or his failure to sit still on a wooden bench until I tell him to get his ass up.”
The doctor who cleared Marc to play is now being investigated as it is unsure if anyone ever gave him any sort of clearance to practice medicine. Just what did Marc have to do to convince this clown that he was ready anyway? Savard took a mammoth shot to the head that sent him off in a stretcher; yet several weeks later he’s sent out there without any tubes sticking out of him or electrodes attached to his brain stem? Really? We’ve come a long way in medicine haven’t we? In football, guys a lot larger than Savard retire after hits like that, but NHL doctors not only ship the demented bastard out there amongst a sea of sticks and elbows, they don’t even supply the addled fool with a simple flow chart so he can follow rudimentary line changes.
Something tells me the tests they conducted on Marc were not very difficult. “Okay Marc, I just need you to hold this stick in your hands and swing it. Very good. Start lacing ‘em up. What color is this black puck? Wow, two for two, here’s your cup. Now how many fingers do I have up my nose? Are my shoes tied or untied? I just farted, please tell me when you smell it. Excellent, now you fart. I’m going to jam my foot up your ass, tell me when you feel uncomfortable. Allrighty, go play center.”
Is Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest the biggest slap in the face to starving countries? “Hey, heard you guys are starving over there, sorry no we got nothing, can’t do anything for you. All we have is a couple of barrels of meat that we use for this gluttony contest. Feel free to help yourself to whatever you can find in the puke bin. Want a wet roll?” ESPN should rename the contest F%$$ You Africa.
The contestants in this farce actually call it a sport; however eating is not a sport, it’s a need. We all have to eat. It’s as if these pinheads will stop at nothing to garner a victory. Why don’t you go to the hospital and challenge a guy on life support to a living contest? That’d be a great event. Nurse walks in, “Excuse me sir, are you a visitor?” “No, I’m his opponent, and I’m in the lead.” Yank the cord out of the machine. “Ï’m 1-0. Now I’m going to head down to the Tourette’s Syndrome wing and see who can swear the least. Oh wait I can hear them already, I win! Now I’m going to challenge a woman who just had a sex change operation to a pissing contest. And then I’ll battle a schizophrenic in a game of Guess Who. Should be 4-0 by days end. “
Paul Nardizzi is a comedian who has appeared on Late Night with Conan O’Brein, The Best Damn Sports Show Period, the NESN Comedy All Stars and elsewhere. He is the author of The Sarcastic Sports Trivia Book Vol. I & II.