The NFL season is just a week away, so we have to ask: just where in the world are Scott Hanson’s legs?

JIM RUBERA
Special Contributor

(Rubera writes for The Spop, a great web site that delves into sports and pop culture. He is an avid football fan and will be contributing to JSB from time to time.)

Here’s a quick tidbit for you fellow NFL addicts to look forward to starting next weekend when the season finally kicks off.  If you’re like me and spend the better part of Sundays watching NFL’s Red Zone channel, you surely know Scott Hanson.  He’s the smiley, four-eyed, spikey-haired fool that sits in the studio all day long and tells us what we’re watching or what game we’re about to switch to.  One of mine and my friends’ favorite moments each week is the two minutes around 2:40PM when all the games are at halftime and he has to mumble and bumble trying to find something to say until the first game mercifully starts the third quarter.

I probably shouldn’t be that hard on him.  He’s never said anything stupid.  He never gives an opinion, so I never disagree with him.  He’s probably a real nice guy.  I might be McConaugheying him.  That is, I’m probably just jealous that he gets paid a small fortune to watch every game on a big screen each week and I don’t.

Anyway, none of that matters.  What does matter is the question we ask every week.  Where are Scott Hanson’s legs?  Does he have legs at all?  I don’t know.  We assume he does, but then again you shouldn’t really assume something if you don’t have any evidence, right?  He sits behind his desk all day long, but so do a lot of studio analysts, news anchors, and the like.  But if you watch enough of the news or enough of the pregame show on network TV, you occasionally see each personality standing up or walking.  Not Scott.

Google “Scott Hanson”.  Google “Scott Hanson NFL”.  Google “Scott Hanson NFL red zone” just so you know you have the right person.  You won’t find a single picture of his legs.  There is no proof whatsoever that the man isn’t in a wheelchair, or atop a big peg leg, or attached to some kind of alien contraption.  He might even have the lower body of a horse.  Nobody knows and he’s not telling.

The answer almost came during a Thursday night NFL Network game late last year.  They said they had Scott Hanson down on the sideline “standing” by.  That was hilarious, but I suppressed my laughter because I was so excited to finally see him on his feet and put the mystery to rest.  And finally there he was on camera on the sideline.  From the shoulders up.  Without even anybody standing next to him so we could have any gauge of height.

So keep an eye out this year.  I’m sure he has legs.  I’m sure they perfectly fit his body and match his perfectly over-whitened toothy grin and they probably look normal in his $2000 suit.  But I need to see it to believe it.  Be the first to email me a picture of Scott and his alleged legs at thespop@gmail.com and get the first portrait ever painted of Scott Hanson as a centaur.  If I can find somebody to draw it.

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