Former New York Yankees chump Hideki Irabu was arrested Wednesday after admitting that he assaulted a bartender at a saloon in Osaka, Japan.

Irabu, 39, a “fat pus-y toad” who went 34-35 with a 5.15 ERA over 5 lethargic MLB seasons, hoisted 20 brews and in a shitfaced rage pushed Osaka’s Sam Malone against a wall, yanked his mane and smashed at least nine liquor bottles after he was informed that his credit card was rejected.

“I Rob You,” as he was known to the Bronx faithful, did not injure the bartender and he paid the tab with another credit card.

“Japan’s Nolan Ryan,” who retired in 2005 after he played six seasons for the Yankees, Montreal Expos and Texas Rangers, made millions of dollars as a professional hurler and he currently resides in a posh section of Southern California.
Frank Costanza once screamed at George Steinbrenner in an episode of Seinfeld, “How could you give $12 million to Hideki Irabu?!!!”
Frank asked a sage and legitimate question and I am sure Osaka’s liquor-pusher would like to know where all that money went.
After all, I am sure the “fat pus-y toad” was not the most magnanimous tipper. “I Rob You” probably gave the tender 5% gratuity to symbolize his career ERA.

I am chagrined to admit that the following story is more antiquated than the clothing that was worn on the hit television program Miami vice.

Nevertheless, I had zero knowledge of this surreal tale until a friend recently informed me of the account and, in the interest of journalistic integrity, I feel compelled to ensure that my audience knows the details of the situation.

Prior to Opening Day, Houston Astros second baseman Kazuo “Kaz” Matsui underwent surgery to repair anal fissure and he missed the first three weeks of the baseball season on the DL.

Anal fissure is medically defined as an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. As a fissure, these tiny tears may show bright red rectal bleeding and cause severe periodic pain after defecation. The grand majority of anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability.

Some of the various causes of this fissure include:

*Straining to defecate
*Severe and chronic constipation or diarrhea
*Crohn’s disease and Ulcerative colitis
*Tight sphincter muscles
*Anal intercourse

Matsui, 32, a switch hitter who has a career .272 batting average, recovered from his bummed asshole and played quite well before he was again placed on the disabled list in June with a strained right hamstring.

It is impossible to know if Matsui got ravaged in the keyster like Marcellus Wallace did in Pulp Fiction or not. For all we know, the native of Osaka, Japanmay have had an unfortunate incident with a “Fusilli Jerry” like Frank Costanza did in Seinfeld.

Nonetheless, this scenario “was a million to one shot” and I am glad I reported it no matter how outdated Matsui’s plight may be.

From this point forward, Matsui will be heralded as “the Assman.”

I decided to nominate the five best teams that I have seen perform since the 1995 season.

There are a few caveats in regard to the list that I comprised.

For one, I focused my list strictly on professional sports teams who participate in the NFL, NBA or MLB.

Secondly, teams that participated from the 1995 season to present day are the only squads eligible to make this list. I selected the 1995 season because it was the first year that Major League Baseball instituted the wild card and because it was the year Michael Jordan returned from his first retirement.

Finally, if a great team won consecutive crowns, they can not make the list twice. For example, the 1995/1996 and 1996/1997 Chicago Bulls teams were both two of the greatest units ever assembled in the annals of professional sports. Nevertheless, only one of those two spectacular squads will be officially chosen for this selection.

Without further adieu, here are my choices for the greatest professional teams since the 1995 season.

1) 1998 New York Yankees- This Yankee juggernaut won an astounding 114 games in comparison to 48 losses in the regular season and they pranced through the postseason with a record of 11-2 en route to wining New York’s 24th championship in team history. In total, the Bombers went a mesmerizing 125-50.

2) 1995/1996 Chicago Bulls- This Michael Jordan-led team dismantled all foes. The Bulls went an NBA record 72-10 in the regular season and 11-3 in the playoffs to win the first leg of their second dominating three-peat in the 90’s.

3) 1999/2000 Los Angeles Lakers- The Lakers won 82 of the 105 games they played in the regular and postseason for the 11th best winning percentage in league history. Shaquille O’Neal in his prime and a young and exuberant Kobe Bryant proved to be too much for the league’s competition.

4) 1998/1999 Denver Broncos- After steamrolling the competition for the first three-quarters of the season, the Broncos stumbled a tad. Nevertheless, John Elway and Terrell Davis helped lead the team to a 14-2 regular season record before the Broncos trounced the overmatched Atlanta Flacons 34-19 in Super Bowl XXXIII to win consecutive Lombardi Trophies.

5) 2003/2004 New England Patriots- After starting a pathetic 0-2, Tom Brady and the Patriots never lost again as they capped a 14-2 regular season with a narrow 32-29 victory over the mediocre Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl XXXVIII.

* Honorable Mentions:

1) 1996/1997 Chicago Bulls- Virtually as dominant as the 1995/1996 Bulls, one of the greatest teams in NBA history.

2) 1999 New York Yankees- Virtually as dominant as the 1998 Yankees, one of the greatest teams in Major League Baseball history.

3) 1999/2000 St. Louis Rams-“The Greatest Show on Turf” fielded one of the most potent offenses in the annals of the NFL.

4) 2001 Arizona Diamondbacks- In a 7 game series, with Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling throwing in the primes of their careers, the Diamondbacks could have beaten any championship team in history.

Naturally, this list is subjective and open for debate. I would enjoy hearing the opinions of others on this topic. Please feel free to chime-in with your two-cents.

New York Yankees Reliever Edwar Ramirez was suspended last week for 3 games after he allegedly threw at Baltimore Orioles first baseman Kevin Millar, July 31st in the Bronx.

With the Yankees leading the Orioles 9-6 after 6 innings, Ramirez (3-0, 3.10 ERA), 27, relieved rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain and promptly hurled a fastball over the former “idiots” head.

Millar, 36, who is barred from being a member of the MLB Players Association because he was a replacement player during the 1994-1995 strike, has been adamant with his belief that Ramirez attempted to hit him intentionally.

“One hundred percent,” Millar said when asked if he thought the pitch was intentional. “I was upset they threw him out of the game because he’s really good hitting. He’s a cute little fella, he didn’t throw that hard and he doesn’t have very good stuff. So it’s probably a good idea they threw him out, because it probably would’ve been in Monument Park. He’s good hittin.”

Millar, a career .279 hitter who originated the 2003 Red Sox homoerotic rallying cry “Cowboy Up,” expressed concern that Ramirez’s pitch could have inflicted serious damage.

“Stay at the waist or below,” Millar said. “It’s part of baseball, but you don’t want to mess with anybody’s career.”

Ramirez claimed that he was simply trying to pitch Millar inside and that he did not intend to throw near the Oriole’s cranium.

“He’s a good guy. I don’t have a reason to hit Kevin Millar. Why?” Ramirez said. “If he thinks I’m throwing [at him] on purpose, I apologize.”

It’s impossible for an outsider to genuinely know if Ramirez threw a purpose pitch at Millar or not. But, if the “cute little fella” did target Millar’s head, the “idiot” has every right to be angered and Ramirez deserved the suspension he received.

Delusional Boston Celtics superstar Paul Pierce told a Spanish publication last week that he was the best player in the entire world.

“I’m the best player in the world,” said Pierce, 30, a man who has only made the All-NBA Third Team three-times since making his professional debut with the Celtics in 1999. “There’s a line that separates having confidence and being conceited. I don’t cross that line, but I have a lot of confidence in myself.”

One can only surmise that Pierce (AKA “Tiny” Tim Cratchit) is still heavily medicated from the debilitating knee injury that he suffered in Game 1 of the NBA Finals versus the Los Angeles Lakers.

“The Truth” is that Pierce is not even the best player on his own team. By a decent margin, that distinction belongs to Celtics power forward Kevin Garnett.

Prior to obtaining Garnett, 32, who won the 2004 MVP and is a four-time All NBA First Team selection, the Celtics were the biggest laughingstock since Carrot Top. Garnett’s acquisition revitalized Boston’s storied franchise and KG is the man most responsible for the 17th championship the team captured last June.

“The False,” who was deservingly named the NBA Finals MVP after Boston’s 131-92 victory over the Lakers in Game 6, is a very solid player and he was pivotal for the Celtics in the 2008 playoffs.

Nevertheless, Pierce’s boasts were the most illogical assertions since Napoleon Dynamite claimed he slaughtered in excess of 50 wolverines during a summer hunting trip to Alaska.

As Mark Twain said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“The Truth” would be wise to heed Twain’s advice before he is universally referred to as “The False.”

New York Jets General Manager Mike Tannenbaum sought and received permission to speak with former Green Bay Packer Brett Favre about his interest in playing for Gang Green, according to reports published last Friday.

If the Jets acquire Favre, 38, a 3-time NFL MVP and 7-time All-Pro selection, they will instantly gain credibility and become a legitimate contender in the powerful AFC. New York’s brass should do everything in their capabilities to finalize an agreement with the Packers to attain the iconic quarterback who threw for 4,155 yards and 28 touchdowns last season.

The Jets, who were on the fringe of selecting the University of Southern Mississippi star in the 1991 draft before the Atlanta Falcons swiped him with the 33rd pick, spent like Eliot Spitzer on whores this off-season and they are a win-now team that would be completed by adding a signal-caller of Favre’s caliber.

In virtually every capacity, dealing for Favre is an obvious move for Gang Green’s hierarchy.

Unfortunately, if the Jets say “hello” to Favre, they will have to say “good-bye” to one of the classiest and most underappreciated athletes in the annals of Gotham, Chad Pennington. Pennington, 32, who brought his Jets playbook on his honeymoon and has thrown for 82 touchdowns in comparison to 55 interceptions for his career, is likable and simply an easy man to cheer for.

Pennington’s ragamuffin arm is clearly an issue and the lack of zip and distance he puts on his throws does stunt the Jets offensive schemes. Nevertheless, despite his drawbacks, Pennington is the most accurate passer statistically in the history of the NFL and he is a warrior who has proven that he can win in the playoffs.

If the Jets are able to obtain Favre, they could be on the cusp of flying towards a special season. On the contrary, if New Yorkis unable to complete an agreement with the Packers for number four, Jets fans should supply Pennington (who will defeat Kellen Clemens in the impending quarterback competition) with the unbridled support that he deserves. If the Jets faithful does not provide Pennington, the 2006 NFL Comeback Player of the Year, with the affection that he warrants, it will be the most disgusting and repulsive display seen at the Meadowlands since the Gate D “show your tits” fiasco last autumn.

The Boston Red Sox are contemplating trading their exasperating superstar, Manny Ramirez, before Thursday’s deadline, according to published reports.

Ramirez, 36, who is in the last season of the eight-year, $168 million contract he signed with Boston in December of 2000, urged Red Sox management Sunday night to find a suitor for his services.

“If the Red Sox are a better team without Manny Ramirez, they should trade me; I will not object,” said the diva that refers to himself in the third person.

Beantown’s chromosome-deprived 9-time Silver Slugger, who must approve any trade because of his 10-5 status (10 years in the major leagues, the past 5 with the same team), said he would accept a move anywhere as long as he could get out of the Hub.

“I’m tired of them. They’re tired of me,” said Ramirez. “I don’t have any preferences. I could choose a team that offers me the best conditions or one in the chase for the postseason.”

The Washington Heights native, who has 508 home runs and 1,669 RBI’s in 16 professional seasons, said he would even entertain the option of playing baseball in the gorgeous and pacifying war-torn country of Iraq.

“I don’t care where I play, I can even play in Iraq if need be.”

Despite his enormous production, Ramirez, a man that assaulted a senior citizen earlier this month, has been problematic and troublesome for the Sox hierarchy and it may be time for team officials to stop providing the 12-time All-Star with the inane mulligan known as “Manny being Manny.”

“I could say that right now there’s a strange atmosphere in our team,” observed Ramirez.

The “strange atmosphere” was likely cultivated by the Red Sox answer to Sideshow Bob himself and the only way to rectify Boston’s chemistry may be to jettison the eccentric hemorrhoid.

At this point, “Manny waving bye” sounds a lot more appealing than “Manny being Manny.”

Seemingly since I began utilizing my legs to walk, I have been an enormous sports fan.

But, this past Sunday afternoon I had an epiphany akin to the one that Lester Burnham experienced towards the end of “American Beauty.”

Sitting in a prominent Boston sports bar, I was disgusted when I looked to my right and saw a pink, Red Sox hat-donning, obese and hideously unattractive woman frothing from the mouth while she supported Manny Ramirez at the plate. Much to my chagrin, I then looked to my left and saw a low-rent, middle-aged man, likely from Revere, with two children by his side, wearing an “A-Rod swallows” tee-shirt cheering on “the Sawx.”

Seeing these two intense and repulsive New Englanders in all of their glory began to actually cause physical ailments within my body.

I was sweating like Patrick Ewing and my heart was beating like I was a hooker in a cathedral and for what? To passionately support a fleet of overpriced, often arrogant and surly, men throw a ball around?

Sports are simply games and they should not be taken more seriously than that.

Nevertheless, I do love the idea of competition and, in a less frenetic and more mature way, I will still attempt to entertain you with my take on the world of athletics.

The New York Yankees defeated the Minnesota Twins 12-4 Monday night in the Bronx to extend their home winning streak to 8 games.

Despite the inane and inexplicable rush by many to discard the 2008 Yankees from playoff contention in the month of July, the Bombers stand a measly 2 games behind the Boston Red Sox in the loss column and they trail the first-place Tampa Bay Rays by a skimpy 4.5 games.

The notion that the Yankees (54-45) are done is simply comedic and it illustrates the way the team is covered by both the media and fans alike.

The Red Sox (57-43) have won 2 championships in 90 years and they have captured one AL East crown since the 1996 season. Still, many observers and delusional Sox fans act like another divisional title is a foregone conclusion.

In regard to the Rays (58-40), the have had an impressive campaign to date and they deserve great applause for the character and skill they have shown as a team throughout this season. Nevertheless, the Rays will eventually fold like one of Frank Costanza’s cheap suits down the stretch and their demise will leave the opening that the Yankees need to lengthen their run to the post-season to a startling fourteen-consecutive years.

Like Earnest Hemingway wrote in his iconic 1952 novel The Old Man and the Sea, “Have faith in the Yankees, my son. Think of the great DiMaggio.”

Followers of the sport of baseball should brush-up on Hemingway’s classic. After all, most have expressed little faith in the Yankees and they should.

Christopher Nolan’s highly-anticipated film, The Dark Knight, premiered this weekend and all eyes were transfixed on the late Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the dynamic villain, The Joker. In tribute to Ledger’s devilishly mesmerizing character, I have decided to nominate the 5 most villainous sports figures of the past ten years.

1) Barry Bonds- Bonds, 43, a 7-time MVP and 8-time Gold Glove winner who is baseball’s all-time home run king with 762 dingers, is one of the greatest players to ever grace the diamond. Unfortunately, Willie Mays’ godson is also one of the most despicable and surly human beings to ever be thrust upon the world of professional sports. In November of 2007, Bonds was indicted on 4 counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice for lying about his use of performance enhancing drugs (including the allegation that he utilized a steroid called trenbolone, which is intended to improve the muscle quality in cattle). Currently, Bonds is an outcast who has been essentially banished from the sport of baseball.

2) Bill Belichick- Belichick, 56, helped lead the New England Patriots to 3 Super Bowl championships and he is widely heralded as one of the greatest coaches in the annals of the NFL. But, Belichick is also a cheater both on the field and off of it. In September of 2007, the philandering fashion plate, who has a career record of 41-57 as a “HC” without Tom Brady at the helm, admitted that he had been illegally videotaping his oppositions defensive signals since the 2000 season.

3) Roger Clemens- Clemens, 45, won 354 games in his career and was awarded the Cy Young Award a record seven-times. But, the fat Texan also cheated on his wife, Debbie, at least 354 times and he likely took a minimum of 7 different forms of illegal performance enhancing drugs throughout his sham of a career. Any time now, “the Rocket” could be launched to prison for lying to congress.

4) Alex Rodriguez- Rodriguez, 32, is a 3-time MVP and 12-time All Star who many believe will one day be revered as the greatest baseball player ever. Early last year, A-Rod was asked why he was such a magnet for criticism and he responded, “When people write bad things about me, I don’t know if it’s because I am good-looking, I’m biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.” The reasons that many dislike the purple-lipped pariah are actually because he is a pompous, robotic and fake man who is incapable of succeeding in pressurized situations.

5) Ray Lewis- Lewis, 33, a 2-time AP NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year and the MVP of Super Bowl XXXV, is one of the most dominant linebackers to ever step on the gridiron. He is also a menacing man who was charged (and later acquitted) with murder and aggravated assault after a fight in 2000 left two dead from stab wounds. Lewis was the first MVP of the Super Bowl to not be asked to say the famous phrase, “I’m going to Disney World” after the game. One can only presume that Lewis wasn’t the image that Disney craved to be associated with their brand.

* Honorable mention: Kobe Bryant

Everybody has different vantages and varying likes and dislikes. I would be interested in hearing the opinions of others on this subject. In this case, nobody can be pronounced wrong.