SCOTT JACOBS

Alright, before we kick this thing off, let’s play Who Am I. Here we go.

I lead the AL in home runs and play for the atrocious Cleveland Indians. Today on Around the Horn, my name was mispronounced. In 2002 I was part of the package the Indians received in exchange for Bartolo Colon.

My name is Grady Sizemore.

I have 23 home runs at the (so called) All Star Break. A shiny nickel to anyone who would recognize me in street clothes walking down the street. Nevermind Yankee Stadium.

State Farm is paying for the naming rights to the derby, so it’s only fitting that they have a commercial about it.

My take on what they should’ve done, instead of the lame Cubs commerical:

“You know where who the heck are these guys meets what happened to the legends?”
“I am so there!”
“You know where 1923 meets 2008, and the end of an era?”
“I am there.”
“You know where ‘who’s that illegitimate kid on the field’ meets ‘certainly not mine?”
“I am beyond there.”
“You know where, maybe they should move the fences a couple hundred feet so these guys could actually hit an impressive looking home run meets lets get some roids just for this?”
“I am there.”
State Farm is proud to present the 2008 Home Run Derby, live from Yankee Stadium. Just in case we didn’t remind you 100,000 times this season, it’s the last year in the house that Ruth built and money tore down. (Cue the inspirational music and close ups of the grass).

8:04- Alright, Three Doors Down just finished up, and now the lamest Home Run Derby field man has ever seen, is ready to commence. I’m going to try to blog about it as long as I can.

8:05- I thought Karl Ravech was going to be the announcer for this. Nope, we get Chris ‘back,back, back’ Berman. (Joy).

8:07- 281 Home runs all time for Houston’s Lance Berkman. That leads the entire field. Talk about irony. One of baseball’s oldest stadiums is about to become rubbel, and the 8 guys participating in this aren’t even 30.

8:09- Rick Reiley is part of ESPN’s coverage? So that’s where the $3 million is going to!

8:11- Peter Gammons is picking Waldo. I mean Grady Sizemore to win this thing.

8:12- Someone explain to me why they need a ceremonial first pitch to start things off? Well, they don’t care about my opinion so Reggie Jackson, Mr. Home Run Derby (wink wink), will throw it out.

8:14- Only in sports can they take a Home Run Derby, and give it more pre-game coverage then the NBA Finals got on ABC! Whoever’s in charge of this debauchery, why?

8:20- Eight children are paired up with a slugger. Wait a minute, what happened to the… o yeah, Century 21 no longer has any affiliation with the Derby. No random fat people getting houses this year!

8:21- It’s over. Dan Uggla, two home runs in his first two hacks. Everybody, you can go home now, and remember, drive home safely.

8:22- To think, Dan Uggla was a rule five draft pick. The Marlins got him for $50,000.

8:24- How do the Marlins lead the Majors in home runs? They have the lowest payroll in baseball.

8:25- Who’s in charge of the TV camera? A monkey?

8:26- What is this the three point shoot-out? The home run derby uses gold balls now? It’s nice to see it go to charity, but c’mon. Cheesy much?

8:27- Uggla finishes with six.

8:28- Damn you Century 21. They could have had the commercial: Uggla buys ugly houses. O, wait, that wasn’t Century 21 who did those. Eh, whatever.

8:30- Sizemore is two for two including an upper decker. “Mickey Mantle territory,” says my dad.

8:31- “Could you imagine Sammy Sosa,” asks my dad. How about McGwire?

8:32- Big Papi gets randomly interviewed by Erin Andrews. Just admit it ESPN: You have a man crush on the guy.

8:33- “They’re making a mockery of this,” says my dad. ESPN has the attention span of a wild rabbit.

8:38- In 2005, Bobby Abreu hit 24 home runs in the first round. I want to believe that one of these guys will total that the entire night. And yet, two guys in, I’m not sure if I can.

8:40- Want a good laugh: In 2006 Andrew Jones was in the Home Run Derby.

8:41- See I told you, you’d laugh.

8:42- Look, Evan Longoria is going to be a good player, already is a fantastic talent, but a home run derby contestant? Just not buying it.

8:43- Just like Rick Reilly shouldn’t be on TV. Just for Men anybody?

8:43- Longoria is tanking just like the Rays did this week. Two home runs with three outs left.

8:44- Babe Ruth was number three. So is Longoria. When it comes to home runs, that’s the only thing the two will EVER have in common. Longoria finishes with three.

8:45- Stick around for the exciting 2008 Taco Bell All-Star Legends and Celebrities Softball game. Or… you can get a life ESPN and cancel the event that is arguably the worst All Star game event in any sport anywhere in the world.

8:46- Chase Utley is taking a lot of pitches. In other news, this derby has about as much excitement as watching the Washington Nationals take batting practice. Uncalled for? Sorry Nats.

8:48- ESPN’S coverage of this has really become deplorable. But what a catch by that little kid in the outfield.

8:50- Still have Utley as the favorite ESPN? He has three home runs with two outs left.

8:51- “I think they have the wrong number” my dad says, in response to Utley ‘dialing’ in.

8:52- Don’t move a muscle sports fans. Through four batters we have a total of 20 home runs. Did I mention Abreu had 24 in one ROUND!

8:56- Alright, we’re back. Don’t show too much excitement, you may hurt yourself.

8:57- Here’s Berkman. In unrelated news, it’s 8:57 AM in Beijing.

8:58- Over under on how many guys get to 10. “I’ll go out on a limb and say maybe one,” says my dad.

8:59- Wow, what a risk taker.

9:01- There are 17,000 State Farms in America and Canada. Coooooooooooooooooool!

9:02- O dear, Berkman has SEVEN. The guy’s a machine.

9:03- Berkman finishes with EIGHT. Cue up the lets sound ‘desperately excited’ sound cue.

9:04- Abreu hit 11 home runs in the FINALS in 2005. The Finals!

9:05- I love sports, but let’s not kid ourselves, the ESPY’s are lame.

9:07- Three guys left. For love of my sanity, would someone ‘clock’ ten.

9:08- When I think of the most feared power hitters I immediately think of Justin Morneau. (That was me being sarcastic).

9:09- Rick Reilly wants a former winners category. Yeah, everyone wants to see Luis Gonzalez.

9:11- Don’t take this personally Sox fans, but a frozen Ted Williams would probably win this thing the way these guys are hitting tonight.

9:12- Side note: how do you not put pinstripes on the All Star game batting practice jerseys? At least get something right MLB.

9:13- “They shouldn’t even have a home run derby if all they can hit is eight,” says my dad. I don’t disagree.

9:14- In 2004 no one got 10 in the first round. Miguel Tejada had 15 in the second round though. Maybe there’s hope?

9:15- Mock news story: “AP- The Home Run Derby garnered such bad ratings in 2008 that drastic changes have been made for 2009.” Replacing State Farm as the sponsor is HGH. It has a nice ring. The 2009 Home Run derby brought to you in HD by HGH. Cut, sell, print.

9:17- Ryan Braun’s agent is throwing to him. Next year, I vouch for Scott Boras. Yay.

9:18- The public is not that educated Peter Gammons. They just have no life, and vote in ludicrous numbers.

9:19- I know how to save the Home Run Derby: Gus Johnson. Don’t thank me, just pay it forward.

9:26- Josh Hamilton overcame drugs and alcohol. Can he overcome a 71 year old pitcher?

9:27- Go Josh! (No, I’m not biased at all)

9:28- Hamilton just mutilated that ball. Wow!

9:30- Hamilton just hit a ball 504 feet! This guy is rolling.

9:31- Clay Claybon, the 71 year old guy, can pitch.

9:32- Edison Volquez for Josh Hamilton just may be the most even trade in MLB history.

9:33- Hamilton is on fireeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. What a great story folks.

9:34- Hamilton takes a drink of Gatorade in between at-bats, and the crowd is loving it. This guy can do no wrong. Not tonight at least.

9:35- Hamilton is autographing balls in between hacks. This is the Josh Hamilton Derby. Forget the rest.

9:36- (Gushing). Somewhere in Hollywood, Josh Hamilton, is getting written. He’s got 14 with just 7 outs!

9:38- No one’s having as much fun as Josh. Which is why ESPN is going away from announcing it.

9:39- SEVENTEEN! Josh Hamilton hysteria , as a fan gets tackled by the police?… Anyhow, Josh is bringing the House down!

9:40- EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!!

9:41- TWENTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:42- He’s five away from re-writing the record books

9:42- OOOOOOoooooooooo my God!

9:43- Yesssssssssssss! TWENTY TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Two to go to tie Bobby Abreu!

TWENTY THREEEEEEEEE!

9:44- I have goose bumps right now. No joke. His twenty third was 429.

9:45- HOLY S***! 24! He just tied Bobby! 467 feet! Who cares if he has nothing left in the second round.

THE RECORD! TWENTY FIVE FOR JOSHUA HAMILTON. UN-FREAKING BELIEVABLE. You deserve this Josh.

TWENTY SIX! I’ve run out of adjectives. Can he get 30????

9:45- He’s seen over 40 pitches, and has hit 26 out!

9:46- The batting practice pitcher is taking a breather. This is epic! “Hamilton, Hamilton” chants the crowd.

HAMILTON IS STILL BATTING. THREE AWAY FROM THIRTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

9:47- TWENTY EIGHT FOR JOSH HAMILTON. He still has EIGHT outs! The crowd is losing their voice from cheering so much.

9:48- Hamilton has to be getting tired. Two away from THIRTY!

It’s over! Josh finishes with 28, smashing Abreu’s record. “That took a very boring evening and just made it very interesting,” says my dad. Erin Andrews looks awed. “You can’t hit that many home runs and walk away,” she says.

9:49- I am humbled. “I got chills,” said Hamilton. No Josh, we just got chills.

9:50- Claybon Council threw 51 pitches in that round. “We got to go again?” he asks. Hillarious.

12, 458 feet. The total of his 28 home runs.

9:52- The first seven guys hit 43 home runs COMBINED. Hamilton came 15 short of that by himself.

9:53- I need a minute to take in what I just saw.

10:00- Everyone else is irrelevant at this point. We’ll resume once Hamilton gets his second crack at things. While we’re at it: Abreu finished with 41 home runs over three rounds in 05. Hamilton needs just 14 to break that record. Stick around.

10:10- In the first two rounds, Berkman and Morneau combined to hit 31, three more then Hamilton hit in the first round.

10:11- Two questions left to ask before the Finals: Will Hamilton even need to hit in the second round, considering the next highest guy is 17, and does his 71 year old stud of a pitcher have anything left?

10:15- Who’s going to face off against Hamilton in the Finals? Meh, does it really matter?

10:20- Morneau and Hamilton in the Finals. Should be fun.

10:22- Hamilton is up again, he’s up to 30 in two rounds. Make it thirty one.

10:23- O by the way, he’s got 4 dingers with one out. He’s just having fun now, and 9 within Abreu’s mark.

10:24- My bad says Hamilton as he nearly kills a camera man.

10:25- Wow, those camera guys are really close to the field. No regard for their safety.

10:26- Onto the Finals. Everybody still here? Good. I’m curious too how much I have left in the tank.

10:30- If Hamilton hits a home run to left he wins some lucky guy a hybrid and a MLB ticket package. Who’s going to doubt him at this point.

10:32- No can do. Now it’s Morneau’s turn. And then the Finals. Will this hopeful guy win that hybrid? It saves gas you know!

10:34- Poor guy. He leaves with a smile and nothing more. But how many average joes can say they got to stand on the field at Yankee Stadium during the All Star festivities.

10:35- Morneau off to a slow start, but he nails one into the upper deck, giving him one with three outs.

10:37- Morneau looks tired. He has three with seven outs.

10:38- The Twins slugger is running out of gas as we inch closer to Josh Hamilton’s inevitable crowning moment.

10:39- Will five be enough? Because that’s what Justin finished with. “I don’t think he got enough,” says Joe Morgan.

10:41- Morneau finishes with a grand total of 22 over three rounds. Six shy of Hamilton’s first round of fireworks.

10:42- How many outs will it take Hamilton to bash his way to this crown? “Six,” says my dad. I’ll go with seven.

10:44- Here we go…

10:46- One down, five to go.

10:47- Hamilton looks emotionally spent right now.

10:48- Can Justin Morneau actually win this thing? Hamilton just destroyed number three. Three left.

10:49- This is getting dicey. Four outs left, he needs to hit two.

Milton Bradley comes out and massages Hamilton, who still looks calm and cool as could be.

10:50- Uh o. Two outs left, two to tie Morneau. Wow.

One out left. C’mon Hamilton you can do this.

10:51- Wow. Hamilton just lost. He hits three in the final round as Justin Morneau steals the title. But no one will remember Morneau when people look back on this. This night was all about Hamilton.

10:52- What a great night. Jesus did you hear that? Josh just thanked you. That’s high praise Mr. Christ.

10:53- “Thank god for that one round,” says my dad. “Otherwise this would have been the biggest bust ever.”

Well that wraps up our coverage from my couch and out-dated 50 inch TV. Hope you enjoyed our running diary of the 2008 Home Run Derby.

Goodnight everybody. Anyone who’s able to watch the Celebrity Softball game deserves a medal. Or a trip to the mental hospital.

Your choice.

SCOTT JACOBS

7:01- Alright, here we go! ESPN’s got the inspirational music going, 100% reason to watch this draft tonight, this should be one heck of an evening. I usually watch the draft, but this year seems to be one of the most exciting in years. So get out the team jerseys, the draft hats, find a snug spot on the couch and indulge in the one week and two day anniversary of Boston’s first championship since 1987!

BTW: Chicago’s picking D-Rose. It’s not a bold decision, but I’m convinced that’s their man. I’d be legitimately surprised if he falls through the cracks of the number one pick. We just need 30 more minutes for them to confirm what we’ve all believed they would do all along.

7:06- The Bulls will indeed go with Rose. Now it’s just dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s. And it appears that the Heat will smarten up and pick Beasley. Though the last time I was convinced a Miami team would surely pick a player (ala: Brady Quinn) they went with Ted Ginn Jr.

7:09- Jeff Van Gundy: “Michael Beasley will be a hall of fame player.” Easy Jeff, you’ve got all night to say crazy things.

7:10- Mayo would have been the first player taken if he didn’t have to go to college, but Beasley was a better player in college, and boy can that guy rebound. Thats the difference if you ask me.

7:12- Dick Vitale: “20 and 10 every night” for Beasley. Miami Heat fans: “can we get that in writing?”

7:14- This is the one night where every player looks clean cut and well dressed. Well… almost every player. But isn’t it funny what these guys look like when they don’t have tattoos? It’s like Edgerrin James without pads: a totally different animal!

7:42- Rose certainly won’t win any speaking awards, but he does go number one to Chicago.

7:50- Beasley to the Heat. Mayo to the Wolves. I’m predicting the Sonics go with Lopez or Bayless.

7:51- O.J. Mayo looks like he’s 27. He looks more like a college professor then a college dropout. That voice is deep!

7:54- Seattle has so many picks that they’ve unofficially agreed to leave two of them in Seattle if the city lets them bolt to Oklahoma City.

7:55- New York won’t get one of their guys, as Russell Westbrook gets taken by Seattle. The first of two Bruins who were sure picks to get into the lottery.

7:58- That was a really short interview with Westbrook. Apparently, one question is all you get after the first three picks.

7:59- Bayless falls in New York’s lap and they take him with the sixth pick. That’s my gut pick with the Knicks two picks away.

8:00- Memphis went 9-27 after the Pau Gasol trade. Yeah, that and the Lakers made the Finals. Definitely a good trade for the Grizz.

8:01- Bruin #2 gets taken, as Kevin Love goes to Memphis to play with Elvis, I mean, Jarvis Crittendon? Is that his name. Something like that. Have fun playing in the NBA city that is probably next after Seattle to lose their team.

8:02- My dad: “It’s funny how NBA players wear a hat in the draft. You never see them wear a hat any other time.” Good point, basketball is one of the only big sports were your head stays lidless.

8:04- Love is the first white guy to get picked. We’ll keep an eye on that tally as the night goes. And when we say white, we mean American white. Sort of like the American white cheese. Yeah, something like that…

8:05- New York is on the clock. Odds of Knick fans booing the pick: 2-1.

8:07- With the sixth pick, the New York Knicks go with… the Italian guy! Danilo Gallinari. Knicks fans don’t sound too pleased. Welcome to the Big Apple buddy! He’s the first international guy to get picked. Number six overall.

8:08- Reebok has already made the “Rooster” shoe in honor of Gallinari? Um, yeah, The Answer, The Truth, and The Rooster? Sorry Italy, not feeling it!

8:10- “New York is the best city in the world” Gallinari says, as Knick fans boo their brains off. “I like to win and play hard.” Um, yeah…?

8:12- Eric Gordon goes to… the Clips. He gets the honor of being LA’s 20th lottery pick. Congrats, now welcome to Purgatory. By the way: Clippers wanted him, and were willing to go to four for him, so getting him at seven is a nice coup for LA. They’ll team him up with Al Thornton. Should be a nice scoring duo.

8:15- Wow, Gordon looks like he’s 15. What a baby face. Another freshman goes in the top ten.

8:17- What a weird looking ball they play with in Italy. And you thought the ABA was bad.

8:18- The Bucks take Joe Alexander with the 8th pick. “A freak of an athlete,” said Jay Bilas. Look at Milwaukee’s roster now: Alexander, Jefferson, Redd, Bogut, that team is looking very playoff ready. They stay healthy I like their chances of avoiding the lottery in 2009.

8:21- “I can’t wait to get there” says Alexander of going to Milwaukee. Well, that makes one of us I suppose.

8:25- The Charlotte Bobcats go with D.J. Augustin out of Hook Em’ Horns Texas. Brooke Lopez hides his head in disgust. Augustin is 5′11. That’s tiny. meanwhile, Bayless continues to free fall, probably out of the top 10. “5′11 I didn’t even know that they pick people that little anymore,” said my dad. Yup, no rule on height just yet.

The draft is like someone who gets drunk. You love it at the beginning. It’s still good when you’re buzzed, and then you sober up, and realize, damn this is pretty boring.

8:27- “I’m ready to take on any challenge,” said Augustin. What is he supposed to say, “crap, I had to end up with this piece of garbage team?” Seriously.

8:29- “Brooke Lopez just leaned over to his mother and whispered, well ma, there goes the house,” said my dad. Hilarious stuff. Brady Quinn anybody?

8:30- Brook Lopez is off the board. His brother cheers, and New Jersey gets a building block for 2010 when they land, allegedly Lebron James. Lopez makes Stern “look like a little kid.”

8:31- “New Jersey had to wear a mask, because they just got a really good steal” says Bilas of the pick. “I can’t wait,” says Robin Lopez, as he waits to get picked. “Do they have a hat big enough for his head?,” my dad asks?

8:33- Brook sounds retarded. Listen how loud he’s speaking? “He sounds like an idiot, but he’s rich now” says my dad. Could be worse right?

8:35- Finally Bayless gets taken. The Pacers pick him 11th. The 5th Pac 10 player taken in the first 11. Wow.

8:37- Trying to find an NBA draftee who really sounds excited is like watching paint dry. Boring and pointless.

8:45- Portland’s on the clock. isn’t there a rule on how many awesome young players you can have on one team?

8:47- Brandon Rush gets taken by Portland. Wow, that team is going to be loaded! I was hoping he would fall to Phoenix, but that is null and void now. Heaven forbid Phoenix get a guy who can defend!

8:50- The Warriors are up now. The best team not to make the playoffs. Unfortunately, that saying won’t sell many t-shirts or hats. If they were in the East, their 48 wins would have put them fourth.

8:51- Anthony Randolph from the Bayou goes to G-State. “Painfully thin,” says Bilas of the freshman. Thin as a rail Bilas? Too soon? Too soon? By the way: they said that about Chris Bosh, and I heard he turned out okay.

8:53- Chrystal Randolph is his mom. That’s a cool name. Now she can buy the drink to match the name.

8:55- Vitale was shocked by Seattle’s pick. They should have went with Love he believed. “I think they’re really going to regret not taking Kevin Love,” he said. Uh O, Vitale pulls out the Darko comparison on Gallinari. “Gallinari and D’Antoni, sounds like a great Italian restaurant,” believes Vitale. Would you eat there? Yeah, maybe for me too.

8:56- “He’s incredible” says my dad. “Announcers could learn a thing or two from him.”

8:57- And the Suns select Robin Lopez. “Does that mean they’re getting rid of Shaq,” asks my dad? Suns fans can only hope. The hat barely fits Lopez’ head, but it looks nice I suppose. The Terry Porter era in the Valley of the Sun has officially begun as the Suns go for defense and shot-blocking. It’s okay you can say that again: defense.

8:59- “Look at that hat,” says my dad. It’s hanging on his head by a thread. Gotta love that head of hair.

9:00- Interest begins to wane in the draft now that Phoenix and Miami have picked, so we do what any other self respecting red blooded American would do: we turn to Deal or No Deal.

9:02- Here’s a thought, why not take the guys who get selected for Deal or No Deal, and have them translate what college players drafted are saying. Sort of like the Geico commercial. For example, it would be so much more exciting if Rose’s interview went like this:

“Rose: I’m excited.”Contestant: This is so freaking awesome man I think I’m going to piss myself.”

Now that would make great theater. I think I’m going to petition the league to get that rule going.

9:08- The Pacers take… Roy Hibbert? Talk about the guy who should have been the guy who left a year earlier. Hibbert goes 17th. In the meantime, Hibbert would have probably been top five last year. See kids, staying in college isn’t always the smartest decision. In fact it can be a very irresponsible one.

9:12- Wired: “I’m going to be like Brady Quinn,” says Brook Lopez, as he waited for his name to get called. That was my line!

9:13- Terry Porter, don’t sound too excited about being on TV, you might hurt yourself.

9:14- Now we get to the no namers as JaVale McGee goes 18th to Washington. “He needs to learn the game, he needs to learn how to play,” says Bilas. “That’s great,” said my dad. Yeah, he sounds like a sure thing (wink wink).

9:15- Indiana and Portland make a trade shipping Bayless and Diogu to Portland. “That must suck,” says my dad. “You get picked and now you have to change teams.” Quick take the picture: Bayless in a Blazers hat when the Pacers just traded for him. Somewhere out there a basketball card just became rare.

9:18- The Cavs could really use a superstar. They should pick Kosta Koufos. “Sounds like a country,” my dad says. Certainly would be a big place.

9:20- Take a fresh piece of gum and enjoy it,” says Marc Jackson of Darrell Arthur’s wait. Huh?

9:21- Lebron’s new sidekick: J.J. Hickson. Yet another freshman. That’s eight guys picked who stuck around for one year of college who’ve been taken so far tonight. Damn, I should have made myself eligible. I just finished my freshman year!

9:24- Side note: I can’t be the only one dying to see The Pineapple Express. That movie just screams “epic.” Ya know, like The Love Guru. It’s okay, it’s okay, I was just kidding. I’m not that sick in the head.

9:26- The draft is like someone who gets drunk. You love it at the beginning. It’s still good when you’re buzzed, and then you sober up, and realize, damn this is pretty boring. Charlotte takes Alexis Ajinca from France. One person claps. No one has any idea of who this guy is. “He looked great one on zero,” said Fran Fraschila. Uh, what?

9:28- His wingspan is 7″8′! Wow.

9:30- “The Nets are trying to get better,” says Marc Jackson. Really? Is that the goal? Who knew. How could no one have signed this guy to be their coach?

9:33- Darrell Arthur is… not selected? Poor guy. The Nets take Ryan Anderson instead. “He can really score,” says Bilas. “Why is he so low then?,” asks my dad on point.

9:36- I guess even ESPN loses interest eventually, as their ticker disappears, and you just have to guess when someone will get their name called by the commish.

9:37- This I found strange: while they hold the draft at the WaMu theater inside Madison Square, the Liberty (New York’s WNBA team) play a game against the Fever. Odd that they would hold both on the same night.

9:39- Alright, I tried. But I can’t do it. It’s too hard to care about the draft once you get outside of the first two hours.

9:40- I guess better luck next year.

12:36- With the first pick of the 2009 NBA Draft the Memphis Grizzlies select…