SCOTT JACOBS

Alright kids, grow the bleep up.

End this like men. Quit bitching like teenage boys.

Kobe seemingly moved on. Shaq just doesn’t know when to shut his yap.

A week after Kobe and the Lakers were eliminated beatdown by the Celtics in the NBA Finals, Shaq is back in the spotlight. No he’s no offering up memories of being the number one pick in light of Thursday’s NBA Draft. He’s not sharing war stories with new Suns coach Terry Porter. No news has broke whether he is man enough to take a pay cut so the Suns don’t completely lose their shine.

But he is willing to rap comedically (wink wink) about Kobe, Kobe’s affect on his marriage divorce, and other HILARIOUS things.

Only, after hearing them, they’re not really that funny. In fact, they’re pathetic.

As Shaq watches his career dwindle, and his skills diminish, he apparently wants to leave no stone unturned. Even if that stone gets thrown from coast to coast, desert to beach.

And this… is from a diehard Phoenix Suns fan.

Look, I wanted to believe Shaq was the final piece to the puzzle, just like I wanted to believe that these sickening rap lyrics were indeed a joke, but I got duped once, and it’s not happening again.

Shaq, if these lyrics are a joke, then you have a sick sense of humor!

But planet earth, observe the lyrics yourself and have at it.

“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.”

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a [woman] a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ‘em, I don’t leave ‘em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.”

Hear his verbal diarrhea here.

(For the record Shaq has since appologized, saying to Stephen A. Smith: “I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MCs do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all. And by the way, don’t forget, six albums, two platinum, two gold. Anybody who knows me knows I’m a funny freestyler. Check the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. Please tell everybody don’t make something out of nothing.”)

I don’t care. When you start accusing another guy of ruining your marriage that crosses the line.

Shaq, just admit you’re done. The Heat couldn’t get rid of you fast enough, and Phoenix fans would party if they could get your contract off the books so their team isn’t strapped to your $40 million contract the next 2 years.

I like Shaq. I met the man. I interviewed him. He’s a quiet guy with a surprisingly wimpy hand shake. But here’s the thing: he can say some really stupid things. This is another instance of that.

I’ll be back for Don Imus’ blood later. Don’t worry, there’s plenty to go around.

Smart people come and go. But idiots are always one microphone away.

SCOTT JACOBS

There are two days until the Celts and Lakers tip off from the TD BankNorth Garden to commence the 2008 NBA Finals.

With the dead time in between I figured I’d get something off my chest that has been bothering me for some time.

This match up.  This dream flash back to the past, glory days of the league matchup, that TV analysts and writers have been pulling for is not what everyone wanted.

I know I didn’t.

I hate the Lakers.

I’m a Suns fan.  Hearing analysts and sports fans exclaim that the Lakers now have the best and most dynamic offense in the league kills a small piece of me inside everytime I hear it.  The Suns may not have won a title, but over their exciting four year run, no one ever questioned the potency of their offense.

The Lakers have the best offense? I’m not really disagreeing at this point.  Right now they seemingly do.  But for people to tell me which team I want to see, I think is brutally ridiculous. Suns fans hate the Lakers.  Beating them down in the first round two years in a row was an enjoyable ride.  The Suns never even made the Finals those years. The Lakers hit the jackpot with a still hard to believe trade that went through for Gasol, and Bam!, they’re in the Finals, not to mention the favorites even though they’re starting out on the road!

And I think this season has taught us a lesson that never fails to repeat itself and shows the fickle notion of most sports writers and analysts: winning changes everything.  Kobe is still the same guy, only now he has an MVP, passes the ball a little, and the assumption is that everyone now loves the guy.

If everyone loves him, why haven’t you seen him reappear on TV commercials.  And no that 50 million pounds challenge commercial doesn’t count.

Here’s another thing that may get people riled up, but I’m okay with that.  Derek Fisher’s return to the Lakers has been huge.  But his addition was a total blow to the Utah Jazz, who kindly allowed him to find a team closer to his family in the offseason.  I know, I know about Fisher’s family.  But nine teams out of ten don’t get that crazy type of break.  Everyone and their mother knows that the Jazz would never have let the vet go unless a health issue created a conflict.

And I’m not attacking him or his family.  Merely the fact that the Lakers have gotten some very fortunate things to fall their way.  Gason, Fisher, just to name a few.

But I will say that the Lakers are an exciting team to watch.  They pass, they play rugged defense, and they really have a knack for hitting that backbreaking three.  Who needs Robert Horry?  He’s at home, the Lakers are in Boston to begin their last conquest to a title.

Boston is, well, what’s the best way I can put this?  O, I know… boring 

For a Celtics fan, KG falling in Boston’s lap for seven players was a godsend. For the rest of us, we had to hear all about how great it was that the Celtics were back all season.  I know Bostonians and New Englanders are loyal fans, but there are 29 other NBA cities with great fans too.  Just because Boston is a big city, doesn’t mean everyone wants to see them win.  Just because they have history some what 21 years ago, doesn’t mean they’re relevent like they once were.

Until Larry Bird, Robert Parrish, and Kevin McHale walk through the door, this Celtics team will just be another good team that did just enough to get to the finals because of a gift wrapped deal that got them over the hump over the mediocre East.

The Big Three?  More like the Three revolving doors.  Seriously, when was the last time you watched a Celtics game and all three of Boston’s so called superstars were all playing great?  Boston is good.  I’m not making a claim they don’t deserve to be where they are.  But I think we all jumped the gun a bit when the Celtics got Ray Allen, KG, and Pierce together on one team.  They’re all good players, but Allen has been unbelievably awful at points this post-season, Garnett seems to disappear in stretches of games and never seems to want to take the clutch shot, and Pierce is either great or just okay.

Whether he’s a Hall of Famer or not, I personally don’t think so.

Finally there’s this.  Most Celtics games are painful… to watch.

Great defense doesn’t always mean exciting.  Games against Cleveland that they had in round number two, such as the epically bad game one, were perfectly good examples that three stars doesn’t mean big scores.

I remember when the Celtics got off to a 20-3 start early in the year and were putting up crazy numbers on a nightly basis.  Then the NBA figured them out, they got old and got vets P.J. Brown and Sam “I am” Cassel, and all of a sudden he playoffs come around and they’re struggling to score against the likes of Atlanta and Cleveland.

Whatever.

This is the hand we got dealt, so I’ll live with it.

But it is hard to watch these big publications and writers claim this is the matchup everybody wanted to see.

Well, I’m not everybody.

I watched my Suns see their glorious run come to a screeching halt. And now I have to put up with this Laker-Celtic crap?

Not exactly my vision of “had to see.”

But I’ll watch.  O I’ll watch.  Because I love sports, and I can put up with the almost unbearable bias that our friends over at ESPN and ABC put on us on a weekly basis.

But if they even mention Joba Chamberlain during the pregame show, I’m done.

I can only take so much big city bias.

That said it’ll be Lakers in six, because they’re the better team.

SCOTT JACOBS

Kobe Bryant strutted over to the bench, calm, cool, and completely stoppable. He was anything but stoppable on the court though in Los Angeles’ game five series clinching win over the now ex-champion San Antonio Spurs. Hand over the Larry O’Brien trophy San Antonio, the Lakers got next.

“Is there a better conditioned player in the NBA?” asked soon-to-be Chicago Bulls head Coach Doug Collins, referring to Bryant’s sheer will to take over games. With the Lakers up seven, and 33.4 seconds left, Marv Albert was emphatic about this being a done deal. “The Lakers are going to the NBA Finals!”

Indeed they are. And if you could have predicted a Boston-LA championship at the beginning of not this past season, but the season before for 2008, boy were you in the minority. The Celtics are one win away from completing an epic fairy tale for the NBA, a ratings bonanza not seen by the league since… well, Jordan?

A year ago the Lakers were shrugging off a disappointing first round exit, their second in a row to the Suns, and Kobe wanted out. Now Kobe is in. Way in. And the Lakers are four wins away from completing a stunning fall from grace back to glory conquest.

What’s next for the Spurs? Well, they are a great franchise. Four titles in nine years is impressive. But the one gap on their resume is never going back to back. And it won’t happen this year either.

Their bench is the oldest in basketball, and Manu Ginobili disappeared in this series.

The Lakers, took a few years off after dealing Shaq, and now they’ve reappeared as Western Conference champs.

A series that had all the makings of seven games, ended in just five.

Pau Gasol was great. Lamar Odom was clutch. The Lakers are going to the NBA Finals, and the scariest part: they look like they might be a fixture.

After they made that much disputed Gasol trade early in the year, the Lakers were deemed the favorites to win the West. Nah, I thought, this is not going to happen that fast. Sure enough, I was wrong. Really, really wrong. Like hit me over the head and throw rocks at me wrong. And all this was without center Andrew Bynum.

Boy do the Lakers look special. Their bench is young. Their starting lineup is fantastic from 1-5. And o yeah, they got that guy Kobe.

He’s pretty good. And he may be six or seven games away from adding another MVP to his repertoire. This one is looking like an MVP trophy. Not just any MVP trophy, how about an NBA Finals MVP trophy.

Bryant smiled in the background as the Lakers stood on the champions’ podium. The only time this post-season he hasn’t been the center of attention. He did it without Shaq. Shaq did it without Kobe. Consider that Miami-Los Angeles trade that sent Shaq to Miami and Lamar Odom to Los Angeles a smashing success for both and a closed case. Miami got their title, now it looks like its LA’s turn. Again.

Apparently, great basketball in Hollywood never gets old. It takes its breaks every now and then. The natural cycle has to take its course. But now the Lake Show is back.

“This is a dream come true,” said a beaming Bryant. No controversy about the alpha dog. That was Bryant. His brilliant team-mates were thrilled to oblige. Everyone knew their roles.

The Lakers have a new role: West champs.

“We ain’t done yet,” said Bryant, as his team-mates rubbed the shoulders that helped carry them to this impressive Finals appearance.

Few would disagree. Not with the way these Lakers are playing.

There’s no “I” in team, and now there’s no “I” in Bryant.

Lakers vs. Celtics/Pistons in one week. It’s safe to say the NBA league office isn’t complaining.

SCOTT JACOBS

Kobe Bryant went up, gently put threw the ball up against the glass and the ball bounced out. Johnny on the Spot (Lamar Odom) was there to put it back and tie the game at 108-108. Utah’s 12 point lead late in the fourth quarter had evaporated and the Lakers appeared ready to seize control of the series. Derek Fisher blocked Deron Williams’ game winner, and the Jazz faithful looked shocked as their team prepared to play for an unexpected overtime.

The Lakers, even with an injured Kobe Bryant, had climbed the mountain.

But the Utah Jazz had one last run in them, and fed off the Energy Solutions Arena fever pitch to pull themselves together and take the Lakers apart. Shooting a clutch 8-8 at the line in OT, the Jazz not only helped tie their second round series with the Lakers, they revived hope that they can win this series.

Of course, be careful to put too much stock into a post-season where the home team rarely loses. With Utah’s tough overtime win, the Jazz added another win to a startling 13-1 home record for teams in round two. The key is if the Jazz can win a game at Staples Center. But by protecting their homecourt, the Jazz who looked sluggish and too slow to keep up with the Lake Show in games one and two, found out they can beat Kobe, Gasol, and co.

So now it’s 2-2, and we’re down to a best of three series.

The big question is obviously Kobe’s health. Kobe was really shaken up in this one, and he clearly couldn’t play his usual role of clutch super-hero, as the MVP struggled in the fourth quarter and overtime. He squealed in pain constantly, and lacked his extra step that has helped turn him into an elite player.

So now we go back to LA nodded at two.

Don’t blame the Lakers big three, even with Kobe’s injury: Kobe, Gasol, and Odom combined for a mere 82 points.

Blame the Utah Jazz, who are now 37-5 at home in the playoffs and regular season combined.

No one doubts if the Jazz can win at home. If they can win game five they will probably win this series.

Of course the way this second round is going, that’s not likely to happen.

SCOTT JACOBS

The NBA Playoffs are too long. We know that. I know that, you know that, and David Stern secretly knows that. But for the last couple years, ever since the NBA made the awkward transition of making the playoffs almost as long as a WNBA season, the league has slowly gotten more drawn out and less exciting.

And this second round fiasco hasn’t helped make things move along.

In a shocking event of home team dominance, unprecedented as far as my recent memory goes, the home team is 10-0 in the second round. Count that again. Ten and Ohhhh. Aka: what happened to that amazing regular season where every team was so close, and who stole my Doritos?

The Lakers have shown themselves to be the superior team against Utah (They lead 2-0). The Pistons beat Orlando thoroughly before the Magic took Detroit to the wire in game two, only to give the game away with awkward late plays. Of course, they promptly won game three at HOME to push the series to 2-1. More on that series in a minute.

The Hornets pulled away big time after two close halftime scores in New Orleans, and appeared like they might be the first second round road team to win on the road. But after a spirited play by Chris Paul, the Hornets got flat and the Spurs ran them out of the gym in a fourth quarter rally that just screamed, “we needed this game a lot more then you did.” That series is 2-1.

Then there’s the Boston-Cleveland series. Lebron is shooting like 20% for the series, and the Cavs haven’t eclipsed the 80 point mark in either of their first two snoozers in Beantown. Ray Allen didn’t score his first point of the SERIES until the third quarter of game two! And that first game: well it set back NBA basketball the way Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights set back animation.

So here’s where we stand: LA 2-0, NO 2-1, DET 2-1, and BOS 2-0.

But this home cooking thing might actually get worse.

Utah which looked way over-rated in two very bland games in LA goes home to Utah where they lost 4 times all season. If they can’t be LA in their home gym where they’re a different team, that series could be a sweep.

The Spurs are one win away from evening their series up after Tony Parker played out of his mind. What to look for: how New Orleans plays to start game four. The Spurs have their mojo back, and the Hornets are still a very young team. Plus, even though no one wants to admit it (okay, just me), the Spurs are the defending champs. Even if their bench calls themselves the 35 Club.

The Pistons already lost one game in Orlando, when over-paid Rashard Lewis had the game of his life. Now, Chauncey Billups health comes into question. The Pistons go to guy suffered a hamstring strain, and Detroit was flat without him. On Saturday Night we find out if the Magic have a Cleveland in them (aka: total reversal of fortunes, an Atlanta: well we can win the home games, or a Phoenix (we got one win in us, now let’s self combust)). Whatever it is, its not too difficult to see that series going back to Detroit nodded up at two, just like it was with Philadelphia.

Finally there’s Cleveland. Their offense has been atrocious in this second round, and Lebron is stinking up the joint. Of course the Cavs are a much more relaxed home team, and their role players (o who are we kidding: everyone except James is a role player on that team) tend to play better and look more comfortable. That said it’s hard to have any confidence in the Cavs given their first two monstrosities. But Boston was so shaky on the road with Atlanta that I want to see them prove they can win a road game, before I assume that game three is when they will.

Finally, there’s the schedule. It really bothers me. How can the Magic and Pistons already have played three games before the Celts and Cavs played two? The NBA playoffs are so long to begin with, what would be another two days to make sure everyone is on the same page in terms of games played. Had Detroit won their first three games against Orlando, they could have advanced to the Eastern Conference Finals before Boston played its third game. That just doesn’t make any sense.

What they should do: Let the Haws-Celts play game seven and not start the other series until Monday and Tuesday. The playoffs are so long as it is, would another couple days really matter?

Finally, this second round has lacked spark. Take away a very good game three in San Antonio tonight, and a very close game two between the Pistons and Magic, and this second round has been as disappointing as Balls of Fury. And that movie, for the record, was absolutely horrible.

One last note: can anyone beat the Lakers right now in a seven game series? Not only is LA loaded in their starting five, but their bench would probably make a better starting five then anything Miami sent out the last two weeks of the season. In all seriousness, LA’s bench is absolutely sensational, and they are playing terrific, fundamentally sound ball right now. I think I’d be a reach not to think that LA is going to win it all this year.

Of course. I’ve been wrong before (like way too many times).

SCOTT JACOBS

Kobe Bryant was in foul trouble and had four points at the half. A year ago the Lakers would have been doomed to a blowout loss, because they had no one to pick up the slack. But o how things have changed in Tinseltown. Behind a revved up Pau Gasol (36 points, 16 rebounds) and healthy Lamar Odom (17 points, 14 boards) the Lake Show ran roughshod over the offense-oriented, what’s defense? 8th seeded Nuggs 128-114.

Don’t insult me by telling me Denver is the old Phoenix Suns (all offense, no D). Denver’s questionable shot selection, and disappearing act in the third quarter ultimately ended any hopes they had of winning game one, as the Lakers outscored Denver by 17 (seventeen!) in the third. And LA pretty much coasted from there.

The scariest thing about the game? LA has incredible depth now. When Kobe’s not on his game, LA has Odom, Gasol, Luke Walton, Derek Fisher, Vujacic, Jordan Farmar, and a slew of other weapons to put on the court. Denver had two players score 30 (Guess who?) in Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony, but once again, Denver’s no show show on defense cost them any prayer.

And I feel very much comfortable with my five games and done pick. I still think Denver will win a game on their home court, but I don’t forsee much more then that. The Lakers are too loaded, too hot, and too overwhelming for the Nuggets to deal with.

If I’m Denver I pray. Because they don’t have the discipline to afford to not play any defense. At least when the Suns played, they made good decisions and rarely turned the ball over. The Nuggets are a freight train from hell. Dis-organized chaos if you will.

But hey, it could be worse. They could be Atlanta, who isn’t getting any love, nor any games, from anyone.

That series starts tonight. The perfect time to start studying!