The short term and possibly long term future of NBA franchises hang in the balance.  Reload or rebuild. Take a chance or blow it up and start anew.

Dwight Howard is available.  Rajon Rondo is being dangled as trade bait.  The Lakers already tried to ship Pau Gasol out of town but David Stern had other plans. These guys must be sitting there in their workout rooms, with their dumbbells and maybe even their boxing equipment, ready to take out their fluid uncertainty onto something.

While suspense movies are a popular genre, generally the people in them, don’t exactly lust for the question mark that is their fate as they bounce around room to room not knowing whose behind the next door or behind them for that matter.

Howard has asked for a trade, even giving the Magic a list of teams he’d like to be dealt to, but Orlando has yet to oblige to their superstar’s wishes. Instead Orlando is trying to deal for another guard or wing guy to pair with Superman, to convince the larger than life defensive monster to stay.

The Magic don’t want to slip into irrelevance after being one of the NBA’s contenders for the past 5 or so years. They don’t want to go from talked about title contenders to playoff-locks to lottery-locked.  And if they trade Dwight they want to get something they can build off of.  They want picks, players, and they most desire another marquee name to sell tickets.

But really, they just want to keep Dwight.

Any trade they make of him, could blow up in their face, whether it be picks or salary crap contracts they might bring in. They certainly don’t want to be Detroit, where they unload the old guard (Chauncey Billups was the first domino to fall and then came Rip Hamilton, etc.), and end up with a bunch of over-priced mismatched nothing. It’s a tricky situation for the Magic who want to win, and believe they can bring a title to the city of magic with a little sly maneuvering.

But if Howard leaves and Orlando gets nothing, then the Magic end up with another Shaq like gap in their franchise, and it took a long time and a lot of mediocrity to land Dwight Howard. Or in laments terms, a fall to the very bottom to land the number 1 pick.

In this economy, with fans careful about how they spend, we’ve seen how trading your star can annihilate a fan base’s zeal. The Hornets dealt Chris Paul and the no name team they field on a nightly basis struggles to draw any kind of buzz in the Crescent City. While some cities like Portland are hard-core NBA towns no matter what, there are more cities that only show up for winners.  With D-Wade and no one else, the Heat were a middling team struggling to draw fans.  With LeBron, Bosh, and Wade Miami has sold out every game since.

So you have to have stars and you have to win if you want to stay afloat and in the limelight in the current economical landscape. The Nets know this, with their Brooklyn departure in 2012 their big chance to start over.  But really, they’re just hoping to have a machine in place, the dream scenario pairing Deron Williams with another star. The nightmare of course is Deron bolting a listless Nets team for a team like Dallas, or anyone else already winning right now.

The Suns were a hot ticket with their Seven Seconds or Less showcase and sold out games season after season. A number of bad personnel decisions later, and even with Steve Nash in tow, the Suns are a struggling franchise stuck in neutral, struggling to draw butts to the seats. They too have the difficult decision of whether they want to keep the 38 year old fan favorite or if they want to trade him while his value is still high. It’s certainly not a fun position to be in.

The Celtics are an iconic franchise with the most banners in the sport, but Danny Ainge realizes that their aging Big Three can no longer carry the load that led them to 2 NBA Finals appearance and one championship. While uber-popular and unbelievably successful as a unit, the demise of the Big Three has been swift, and as they currently stand, Boston would barely make the post-season if the season ended today. While potentially scary as a post-season spoiler, Boston is old and slow, and expecting them to make another title run is silly and short-sighted. Hence, their best asset, Rajon Rondo is up for grabs. While he can’t shoot, and he’s probably not a franchise player, Rondo has proven to be elusive, dynamic, and clutch. Anyone would take him.  But what is he worth?  That’s the question Boston is feeling out.

In this shortened season, this year’s trade-deadline isn’t so much about getting that extra piece, but it’s about figuring out the future. Do the Lakers believe they can win with their current cast of players, or is breaking the bank for someone new, the way to go?  Owner Jerry Buss is on record saying he’s not looking to up the ante on the team’s salary, so any move they make is likely to be some kind of swap of pseudo stars.  What is Pau Gasol worth?  Can he be the linchpin to a title team not linked to Kobe? Is trading him and Bynum worth it if you can get Dwight?

With so many big names’ status unknown with the deadline upcoming, it also leaves teams like Houston and Golden State in interesting positions. The Magic want Monta Ellis reportedly, but rumor has it that Golden State is trying to put together a package to get Howard. The Magic want to pair Howard with Ellis, so you can see why the math doesn’t add up. The Rockets are enamored with Gasol, and the Nets know they have to appease their star point guard or he’s off to the races with another team.

Bit players will be dealt, they always are, but their trade deadline could determine futures of franchises. The move you make (or don’t make) now could burn or boost your team for years to come. The Nets and Magic could end up with dynamic unstoppable duos, or empty-handed come season’s end. The pendulum could swing one way or another.

People forget that Miami could’ve been left at the altar had Wade left for New York or Chicago.  Bosh was only going if Wade was there, and LeBron was only going if both were locked in.  The Heat could’ve been New Orleans, star-less, young, and hoping for a high draft pick to rebuild.  They could have been Cleveland after LeBron left them.  But the balls bounced beautifully for the Heat who landed all 3, and in essence had a title team over night. Had the Suns gave in, and locked up Amar’e Stoudemire, despite his checkered injury past, maybe they too could be a limelight team.  Instead, they passed, choosing to fill the void with Hakim Warrick and more Channing Frye.  The Suns later traded for Marcin Gortat, a trade that led to the demise of Orlando’s title chances.

Had the Suns kept Amar’e, the Knicks don’t get him, and if New York doesn’t land that big star, they probably don’t draw Carmelo, and if they don’t draw Anthony, most likely Tyson Chandler stays in Dallas.  It’s a ripple effect in sports. One move can make a franchise.

That’s what makes this deadline so intriguing is the ramifications it has on everyone. Once one piece falls, the others will follow. The NBA’s power structure cold be staring at another restructuring.

So no pressure NBA general managers.

None, whatsoever.

Photo: AP

SCOTT JACOBS

Here’s what we know.  Leagues shouldn’t own teams.  Because when the interests are mixed between what’s right for one team, and what’s right for all, you get dumbfounding situations like Thursday, when an agreed upon trade which would have sent all world PG Chris Paul to the Lakers, gets vetoed, by one, David Stern.

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert wrote another epic letter, this time to the commish, telling him that amongst other things, “it would be a travesty” and that the league should “just change the name of the 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.”

While Gilbert is taking a lot of heat for this email, which was published by Yahoo! Sports, it raises some good points:

1. How did we get here?

How did we get to the point where every big-time player the NBA has, just lines up behind one another (like it’s Black Friday or something) and basically dictates where they want to play?  People want to blame LeBron and friends, but this goes much further back than that.

Remember when Alonzo Mourning refused to play for Toronto after being traded to the Raptors in 2004?  He bought his time, until they bought him out ($10 million to do nothing, where can I sign up?) and eventually landed with the Heat where he helped them bring home a title.

Ironically, the same deal that sent Mourning to the Raptors was also the one that shipped Vince Carter out of Canada.  Air Canada was “to Canada what Michael Jordan was to the Bulls,” said Donyell Marshall at the time.

That was over 7 years ago.

Today the problem seems to only be getting worse.  Superstars are forcing the hand of their teams, with many trying to dictate where they land.  It’s becoming sickening and exciting as a sports fan to watch; sickening, because well, no one seems happy playing for 25 of the NBA’s Washington Generals teams anymore and exciting because these super teams are fascinating to watch.

No matter what side of the fence you’re on, it has made the NBA almost more interesting off the court then it is on the court.  But small market teams are reeling as their home-grown stars flee for greener pastures in bigger cities.

Of course there are two sides to every story, so I’m not 100% sympathetic to owners either:

Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom, who were critical pieces in Los Angeles’ rise back to greatness, were merely pawns in L.A.’s offer to get Paul.  Andrew Bynum, who the Lakers have been dangling for years, could be next if it nets them almighty Dwight Howard.  The point being that loyalty is a two way street.  Some players are extremely loyal, and so are some owners.  But at the end of the day it’s a business and money talks.  And money is a real loudmouth.

So we’re left to ask ourselves: whose side do you take?  Do you take one at all?  You have to remember: owners sign players, then market them, profit off of their jersey sales, ticket sales, etc.  Basically they use each other.  And sports is one of the few professions where as a player you can’t just leave any time you want to work for another team/company.  If I’m a copywriter at a Minneapolis ad agency and I decide that I’d like a change of scenery, some nicer weather, and maybe some more seasoned team members to work with, I can try to find a job in Los Angeles or Miami or wherever. No one can stop me.

In the NBA you have free agency.  When you hit free agency you’re free to do whatever.  Under contract you’re a team’s property.  So I see both sides.  I see the rich players who get tired of an unstable or uncomfortable situation and decide they want to move.  I see the fans of these small market teams and how it breaks their heart to see their heroes defect for brighter lights and bigger cities.

The argument I don’t get is the attention one.  Look, if Dwight Howard wants to go to Los Angeles or Brooklyn, then so be it.  But if his reasoning is that he can be a bigger star there than he ever could in Orlando, I don’t buy it.  Superman is a household name to just about every casual sports fan, and if you asked a non-NBA fan to name a few current NBA players, besides Kobe, Wade, and LeBron, you’d have to think Dwight would be right up there.  If he wants to live in a bigger city, where you can actually experience seasons, get more opportunities to be in the public spotlight (aka: TMZ), and maybe do some acting or whatever, then I can understand the L.A. or Brooklyn argument.

It’s a sticky wicket.  We see these players as millionaires doing something many of us would do for free, and our first reaction is to tell them to quit complaining, enjoy their absurdly high paying job, and shut the heck up.  But when you look beyond money there’s an argument for both sides.

2. When everyone becomes the Washington Generals, you find yourself staring at something close to resembling a monopoly. That’s a scary thought for the NBA and it should be.

We hear the line all the time in pro sports: big markets equal big bucks.  It’s why FOX jumps for joy when the Yankees or Red Sox make it to the World Series.  It’s why ABC cringes when a team like the Spurs (small market by sports standards, not by city standards, cause that city is huge) gets to the NBA Finals.  Football is unique in that we will always watch the Super Bowl and even the playoffs, no matter who’s in it, because football is as much a star driven sport as it is a team one.

So back to the NBA:  What do you do when the rich keep getting richer, and the small market teams keep getting more irrelevant.?

Bosh’s trade to the Heat effectively ended any relevance in the U.S. that Toronto ‘s NBA team had.  Quick, name 3 Raptors starters.

LeBron’s defection to the Heat led to a 25 game losing streak for Cleveland last year and the eventual number 1 pick, which who knows, could lead to another star in Kyrie Irving who, defects after 7 years himself.

The Nuggets had to appease Carmelo Anthony in an awkward 4 month circus, before they finally dealt him to the Big Apple, a trade he basically forced upon them, because he wouldn’t go to New Jersey.

And now you have Paul, telling New Orleans I’m leaving (though I can’t blame him given the disarray that team is in) and Howard telling the Magic that he’s got one foot out the door too.  Utah knew they weren’t going to be able to resign Deron Williams so they dealt him to the Nets last year.

It’s a mess, and it only figures to get worse as players try to form their own super-star laden teams, while the talent pool runs dry for everyone else.

The NBA lockout was supposed to address these issues, but really the issue is pretty much out of their control.  Besides blocking trades, the NBA can’t wrap electric wire around the Staples Center or Madison Square so that future stars can’t get in.  Players will sign where they want to sign, but a league of 5 haves and 25 have nots can’t possibly be good for business.  Even if the haves are in attractive locales like New York, Chicago, Miami, and Los Angeles.

3. When the better team gets the better player, the better situation, and somehow ends up in better financial position than they were previously, putting them in play to became a rockstar super-team, and the league owns the team that’s letting it happen, how can they go through with it?

Gilbert also wrote this:

I cannot remember ever seeing a trade where a team got by far the best player in the trade and saved over $40 million in the process. And it doesn’t appear that they would give up any draft picks, which might allow to later make a trade for Dwight Howard. (They would also get a large trade exception that would help them improve their team and/or eventually trade for Howard.)

This is a dicey situation for the league.  For Stern to regulate a trade and say this is fair and this isn’t, well, it totally undermines general managers around the league to do their job.

And what does the NBA want exactly?  If you don’t want a player under contract to dictate his destination, fine him if he demands a trade.  Suspend him.  Put some kind of system in place that destroys these situations before they ever occur. Because once you start making judgement calls on player transactions than your credibility takes a massive hit.

One thing the NBA should have addressed is its buy-out policy.  These empty contracts that teams trade for are ridiculous.  You want to blame big market teams, fine.  But the small market ones didn’t help this problem by trading away stars for expiring deals.  That said, the NBA needs to understand the impact of its actions and if this was about “basketball,” as they so claim, and not competitive balance or the rich getting richer, than how did the Pau Gasol trade, which years ago looked like the greatest fleecing in sports history get approved at the time?  The NBA doesn’t want to go down this path, just like the NHL doesn’t want to own the Coyotes beyond this year.  Owning one of your league’s teams is a giant contradiction and the NBA needs to find a solution to the New Orleans situation and fast.

Gilbert’s in a rough spot. His team is in rebuilding mode post-LeBron and he sees that places like Cleveland don’t attract big-time stars.  He probably fears that any star the Cavs can groom, will eventually want out too for a more glamorous destination.

But unless we put every team in a massive market or warm weather climate, there’s going to be some imbalance.  The NBA’s problem is not just monetary.  The Hornets would sign Chris Paul to a long term max deal in a minute; same with Orlando and Dwight Howard. But if those guys don’t want to be there, there’s little you can do about it, except get the best value for them possible before they bolt.

Super-teams are both good and bad.  Look at it like this: the Big 12 usually has a few really good teams at the top each year in college football and a lot of middle-tier teams and bottom feeders; though the Big 12 is usually in the BCS title game picture every year, its overall strength from top to bottom changes drastically as you move down the ladder.  Then you have the Big East, which this year was a free for all because every team was so mediocre.  The Big East was much more balanced, but far less interesting.

Now back to the NBA, which seems to want both competitive balance and super-teams.  The NBA wants what the NFL has: that chance for your team to improve drastically overnight and into a contender.  Every NFL team goes into each season with the belief that they can make the playoffs.  And with the exception of Buffalo and Detroit, new teams each year usually do.  But super-teams means super ratings, and more interest in the league than a bunch of mediocre squads playing bumper cars with each other.

Super-teams are far more likely to capture the interest of your casual fan than two ho-hum equal teams duking it out.

The NBA wants both, but I’m not sure in this economic climate that it’s feasible.

You’re either going to get teams like the Heat with LeBron, Bosh, and Wade or you’re going to get a bunch of teams like the Nuggets (good teams with quality players, but none who stands out).  The owners don’t want super-teams if they’re the ones who can’t attract ‘em.  But guys like Mickey Arison and Jerry Buss can’t be blamed because they have the resources to put these squads together.

In sports, just like life you can’t please everybody.  Right now, the NBA doesn’t seem like it’s able to please anybody.

Photo: AP

SCOTT JACOBS

Mike Brown was on George Lopez Tonight to discuss being the new coach of the Lakers, the challenges he and his team faces, and whether L.A. needs Dwight Howard.  The timing is interesting considering that the interview was taped the day of Game 4 of the NBA Finals (a game which his former star LeBron James decided not to take part in — scoring wise that is). Take a look at some excerpts, with video from their interview after the jump.

Mike Brown - “I’m excited about the team. I got the team that can win it!”

George Lopez – “Is it hard to take over a team that’s a little bit disappointed with their own performance?”

Brown - “It’s better! I’m excited about taking this team over because these guys are used to playing right now. They’re not. So they’re sitting at home trying to avoid the tv. They don’t want to watch tv tonight. They are angry men right now. I’d rather have a group of angry men that have a point to prove, not only to themselves but to all of these lovely fans in LA that hey, we ended our season too early!”

Brown- “My oldest boy, he told me….’Dad, I can’t wait to meet Lamar.’ and I said…Lamar, why? and he said ‘Cuz that’s my man and that’s my way to the Kardashian sisters’

Photo: George Lopez Show

SCOTT JACOBS

He was larger than life.  Literally.  Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal  was the biggest, and still continues to be, the biggest person I have ever encountered in my life.  I had the good fortune of meeting and interviewing him briefly back in 2006 when the Miami Heat were holding a charity event for Thanksgiving in Overtown Miami.

Shaq was different.  In every way.  He was a big clumsy kid growing up who was teased mercilessly for his big feet, and big hands.  He was an army brat, raised by a family that believed strongly in education.  He was a bright guy who sported athleticism that was pretty much unfathomable for his size and a smile that a nation fell in love with.

He could show up out of shape and still show up entire teams.  He was the peanut butter to Kobe Bryant’s jealousy.  The ultimate fall guy when L.A.’s Four Peat attempt was unraveled by the pesky Pistons, unraveling one of sports’ great twenty first century dynasties with it.

Shaq brought down rims and he brought down teams.

His brute force made him a beloved icon in Orlando, after he was drafted first overall by the Magic in the 1992 Draft.  The LSU star took the league by storm his first season running away with the 1993 Rookie of the Year award and leading a previously nameless team into national prominence. In three years the Magic went from worst to almost first behind the Daddy, advancing all the way to the NBA Finals.  It seemed like a marriage that would last forever.

But just two years later Shaq took his massive numbers and his massive frame and switched coasts, stunning the hoops world by bolting to the Lakers via free agency.  His defection crushed Orlando, who behind Penny Hardaway stayed relevent, but was never a true title contender.  It wasn’t until another league worst record, that the Magic recouped the league’s top center, this time a man by the name of Dwight Howard.

Once in Los Angeles, Shaq fit right in with the oversized ego of the city.  He used his star to inexplicably get put into movies, such as two trainwrecks that immediately come to mind (Kazaam in ‘96 and Steel in ‘97).  He made rap albums.  And music videos.  He was even a director.  Tell me if you’ve heard of this one: Cousin Skeeter in 1998?  It was a TV series. Whatever.

People remember his Laker times fondly, but Superman didn’t win a ring until year four of his Hollywood extravaganza.  In fact, it wasn’t until Phil Jackson came to coach the team that Shaq got his first ring.  From there the Lakers and Shaq were as much a part of pop culture as Hollywood itself, reeling off three straight championships, Shaq netting three straight Finals MVPs.

He was too good for his own good.  Shaq finishes his career with just one regular season MVP.  But he was so unique that they had to rewrite the rule book.  Hack-A-Shaq emerged while he was with the Lakers, an infamous ploy utilized by desperate western conference teams in the playoffs to try to slow him down, while taking advantage of his putrid foul shooting.  That was one thing Shaq never quite got the hang of (his best year at the line ironically came in 2002-03 when he shot 66%.  Ironic because it was the last time he was the focal point of a championship team).

Shaq was a monster on the offensive end, attracting double teams everywhere he went.  In his first fourteen years in the league he never averaged less than 21 points a game.  How good was Shaq?  His rookie year with Orlando he averaged 23.4 ppg, nearly 14 rebounds a game, and 3.5 blocks a contest.  Interestingly enough though, he never averaged 30 points in a season.  Given the great talents he’s been compared to such as Wilt Chamberlain and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, it’s an interesting point of emphasis considering Chamberlain once averaged not 30, but 50 points in a season! (That coming in 1961-62, long before Shaq was even alive).

But Shaq had his lion’s share as well. He shot 50% from the field in every season.  Including whatever you want to call his last few in the league with Cleveland and Boston.

He was the scapegoat.

After the Lakers lost to Detroit in ‘04, Los Angeles decided they were ready to move on, not wanting to give an aging Shaq the exorbitant contract he craved.  It started a bidding war — with the Miami Heat winning his services in a swap that only cost them Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, and Caron Butler. All quality players — none close to Shaq.  Shaq’s dismissal — this time his fault or not, buried L.A. in a few years of rebuilding mode, until Memphis decided to hand L.A. the services to one, Pau Gasol.

Miami threw Shaq one hell of a party upon his arrival (sound familiar?), and he was bestowed the key to the city — an honor he was given in just about every city he arrived in.  With water guns a squirting and a jubilant Mickey Arison, Shaq proclaimed that the Heat would win a championship under his watch.  They did.  Only it was Dwyane Wade who carried Miami to their first title two years after Shaq’s arrival.  While Shaq had some good games with the Heat, and was second in MVP voting his first year with the team, his arrival in South Beach, brought the slow painful decline for Shaq Diesel.  People tend to forget that an aging Alonzo Mourning was much more effective against the Mavericks in the ‘06 Finals than Shaq was.

But Shaq’s presence completely revitalized the Heat and their national appeal.  His arrival helped convince veterans like Gary Payton to come aboard for one last go at it, and the Glove was a key piece in helping the Heat win the title they so desperately craved.  Shaq helped get Flash on the map.  Shortly, Flash wanted no part of his new popular nickname, choosing to be his own man.

Which brings us full circle to my first and only encounter with Shaq Daddy.  I’ll never forget the day: November 16, 2006 in a crammed gym in a bad area of Miami.  Media members were everywhere.  The Heat were attempting to repeat with almost the same roster as the year before (a fatal mistake given how old that team was).  A greatful Pat Riley, when asked what he was most greatful for, said something that always stuck with me: “I thank the good lord on Thanksgiving or around Thanksgiving. I actually have 15 healthy players.”  Two days later Shaq got hurt, leading to a snowball of misfortune or misery for a Miami team that would be bounced by the Bulls in a pathetic first round sweep.  Talk about one of the all-time kiss of death statements.

The wheels fell off after that.  Shaq was great when he cared.  Shaq was great when he was the Kingpen or at the very least, a big part of the spotlight on a big-time team.  But when things got bad, he bolted.  Miami brought him back in just the second year of a 5 year $100 million contract in 2007-08, but he couldn’t avoid a slew of injuries and began to miss games.  When he played he looked indifferent to the game.  When Wade was lost for the year that was the final straw for Shaq’s Miami tenure.

He brought hope everywhere he went.  Including a belaguered Suns franchise, that has been as consistently good as any team in the sport, but has still to this day never won a championship.  Shaq’s trade to Phoenix — still one of the most dumbfounding and shocking trades in sports history, made the Suns the talk of the league.  But talk is cheap.  Upon his arrival Shaq pointed to his ring finger comforting Suns fans that he would win them a ring.  He didn’t.  In fact, he never got the Suns out of the first round.  The Seven Seconds or Less Suns were killed by Shaq’s arrival, and in the end it cost Mike D’Antoni his job.

But Shaq rejuvenated his sagging career in the desert, where he found new life with Phoenix’s trainers.  All of a sudden Shaq was able to stay healthy, something Heat fans will forever question.  Did Shaq not care if he didn’t have a chance to win?  Many people came to believe as much.

Still, Shaq’s career in Phoenix was defined by a whole lot of hype and a few memorable plays, like the one time he jumped full speed ahead into the crowd in a game versus the hated Spurs in an attempt to corral a loose ball.

Fans loved him for his goofy antics, like when he would sprint down the court after nailing a second foul shot.  But late into his career Shaq became more of a gimmick than a savior.

Cleveland brought him on board to pair with LeBron James, but the duo never worked from the get-go.  The cost of acquiring Shaq?  Two players who would be bought out and a draft pick.  The Cavs threw O’Neal a hero’s welcome, but once again he was all glitz and no ring.  The Cavs were one of the NBA’s best teams that year, but Shaq couldn’t stay healthy, and when he was, he was rendered ineffective.  His 12 ppg his lowest average until…

He ended up in Boston for one last go around.  Rather than retiring years earlier when he was still relevent, Shaq choose to hang around about four years too long.  He loved his name in the headlines.  It often was.  But in Boston Shaq was once again a side show.  He was hope that couldn’t stay healthy.  The difference maker so many analysts proclaimed against Miami, that could barely get off the bench.

Through it all Shaq was charismatic, charming, funny, obnoxious, rude, lazy, reborn, and a master at selling people promises — falsely or not.  He was the NBA’s golden god.  People worshipped at the altar of Shaq.

I remember that day at the gym, when I met him.  He extended his enormous hand to shake mine, and I was afraid he was going to crush me into dust.  But it was the gentlest handshake I’ve ever had.  Almost as soft spoken as his voice.

Shaq was different.  In a day and age of athletes who were afraid to be themselves, he was outgoing, personable, fun, someone you really wanted to like.  But he was far from perfect and could be a real jerk.

He loved to burn bridges.

“I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys,” O’Neal infamously told the Boston Globe back in 2008, just days after being dealt from a Heat team that was killed by injuries and had sunk to the bottom of the standings. “We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I’m actually on a team again.”

You won’t hear anyone bring that up today.  No, this is Shaq’s day.  Of all the days that he could announce his retirement, Shaq picked the day after that same Miami Heat team moved within 3 wins of another championship, something he has coveted but never again won since departing South Beach.  Anyone else find that a little odd?  Or arrogant for that matter?

But he was great with the media and he did everything he possibly could to build a brand.  From Icy Hot commercials (which became comical in his twilight days as the computer would alter his generic team’s jersey because he kept moving around) to his Shaq Versus show, Shaq was a big kid.  He owned nice cars and bought big mansions.  On Star Island in South Florida he once coughed up $20 million for a house.

He had nicknames, so many nicknames.  Some were clever, some downright nasty.  He was a cop, a student in a Sports broadcasting class, a conductor for a day, and soon he says, he’ll have his Ph.D to go along with a Masters.  The man was no dumby.

He did things his way.  His official press conference to formally announce his retirement will be held Friday at where else — but his house.  Like a good politician he knows how to stroke egos, and he knows the media will give him more leeway for doing so.

He was one of sports’ most fascinating figures and a sure fire First Ballot Hall of Famer. He was the epitome of power and a master marketer.  Shaq took advantage of every opportunity that came his way and then some during his 19 year career.  He also was a great guy in the community and loved putting smiles on people’s faces whenever he could.  Who could forget Shaq-A-Claus?

Some people still love him, some despise him: but you can’t ignore the fact that throughout his 19 year career and 15 All Star appearances he truly was larger than life.  Shaq the player retired today, but Shaq the character isn’t going away anytime soon.

Photo: Reuters

SCOTT JACOBS

Bury them.  Stick a fork in them. Cut them up to pieces and serve them to the pooches.

The Lakers are done.  Finished.  It’s over.  No team has ever come back from an 0-3 series deficit in the history of the NBA and it’s not happening this time either.  L.A.’s reign of terror over the NBA is over.  We will have a new champion.  That much I am sure.

Tonight was the changing of the guard.  The evidence was all there.  The Lakers were the team that always found a way to hold it together when the going got tough, and the Mavs were the team that got scared and ran off when the moment got too big.  Not tonight.  Instead L.A. blew another fourth quarter lead after it looked like they had the game in control, and the resilient Mavs, who haven’t lost since  Round 1, game 4 at Portland (that epic 24 point collapse) refuse to wilt.

Halfway through the fourth quarter, Kobe had taken just 11 shots, and Pau Gasol was practically non-existent.  It was Andrew Bynum carrying the Lakers.  While the oft-injured Bynum is good, he’s not the guy.  Not yet anyways.  Even after Kobe began to take over and Gasol finally woke up, the Mavs withstood every last shot.

The champ never goes down without a fight.  They claw, scratch, and push back, but eventually if you hold your own long enough you can knock them out.  That’s what we witnessed tonight.  The knockout punch.  While Dirk was his usual stellar self (32 points, 9 rebounds) and Jason Terry made some humongous foul shots down the stretch it was Peja Stojakovich who stole the show.  The former ace sharp shooter of the Kings came in and gave Dallas 11 enormous fourth quarter points, stretching the floor for Dallas, and stretching the back to back champs to their limit.

It’s cliche to say this in sports, but sans Charles Barkley hardly anyone (including myself) really gave the Mavericks a chance to win this series, never mind sweep.  But after a franchise defining monumental game 3 win over a desperate Lakers team, Mark Cuban’s Mavs are in position to do just that.

Which is stunning, because no team has broom to floored the Lake Show since the Spurs way back in 1999.  We’re talking Y2K people.

Phil Jackson has been adamant all year that this would indeed by his final season coaching sports’ most fascinating Hollywood story.  The man has won 11 rings, but has never been down 3-0.  Just think about that for a second.  Never.  Now, the Zen Master, who was the most animated I’ve ever seen — did you see the way he was talking to Gasol — is in a hole he’s never been near.  Even with guys like Jordan, Pippen,  Shaq, and Kobe it’s still surprising.  Make that amazing.

But all good things come to an end eventually — Los Angeles was due for a return back to earth sooner than later — I just never expected anything like this.  Aside from game 2, the amazing thing is that the Lakers should be up 2-1.  But ’should’ is the word of teams that come short.  ‘If’ is the battle cry for a unit that’s just not good enough to repeat, nevermind three-peat.

“I thought we were spending too much energy on disappointments,” said Jackson. “Fouls, ball losses, we’d rather get concerned about then move on to the next sequence of plays.”

That is not the sound of a champion.  That is not the speech of a team in control.  That is the talk of a team in disarray.

“Tonight Drew was the strength of our club,” he said.  Which is great, just not now.  Not with this team.  While Bynum is next in line to be the next leading Laker, he’s not the guy whose ready to Own The Moment yet.  That’s Kobe’s job.  That’s Gasol’s job.  That’s Odom coming in for backup.

Yet Kobe had just 17 points despite a great percentage from the field.  Gasol nearly had a double-double, but 12 points and 8 rebounds is not the numbers of a bona-fide number two.  Odom fumbled away L.A.’s last hope on a typical play.

“We played too well to lose,” said Jackson.

That’s it right there.  Lakers teams of this Dynasty Era haven’t lost games when they play like this.  But this team doesn’t have that Robert Horry.  Vintage Kobe Bryant is hurting and probably dreading the potentially awful news about his collection of injuries.  Success is fantastic, and every team sans maybe the Celtics would kill to have L.A.’s issues.  But these games, all these minutes over the years are adding up for Kobe, and Derek Fisher.  They’re the glue that holds this team together.  The glue is starting to come undone, 76 games into a remarkable four year run.

“We’re disappointed,” said Jackson. “We feel like games 1 and 3 we controlled the pace of the game and couldn’t finish the game off.  We still believe we’re going to win the next game, and we’ll go from there.”

A coach has to say that, but what makes you believe it?  The Lakers have run into their match.  The better team may choke away one big fourth quarter lead, but they certainly don’t let it happen again.  The better team doesn’t turn the ball over on a critical inbounds pass.  The better team doesn’t made stupid fouls when all you need to do is play some defense.  The better team doesn’t “blow rotation after rotation,” as Kobe so eloquently put it. “We played well enough to win it, just made some of the dumbest defensive mistakes I’ve seen us make all year.”

“It’s just effin up at the wrong time.”

“We didn’t finish the game well,” said a somewhat, though he’d never admit it, dejected Jackson.

Ya think?

“We double teamed Nowitzki ineffectively, and irrationally.”

Jason Kidd was throwing up bricks from all over the 3 point line, and yet L.A. kept running to him, leaving guys like Peja to channel his inner early 2000’s form. Showing the smooth stroke that made him one of my favorite players of those fantastic Kings teams, Peja made the Purple and Gold pay for leaving him open, rainbowing killer three after killer 3.

Teams that go up 3 games to none in the NBA Playoffs are an unblemished, untouched, completely unharmed 98-0.  Going up 3 games to none in the playoffs is like being the number 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament.  Barring a miracle/complete collapse you’re not going to lose.  A hot pitcher can win you two or three games by himself.  Even though hoops are a superstar driven sport, your team is only as good as your support.

Dallas’ depth, which has been applauded all year, pounded L.A.’s bench tonight 42-15.

The Lakers are one loss away from becoming the fourth back-to-back champ to get swept going for a three-peat.  That’s not a mirage.  L.A. is running out of gas.  Their title run has reached it’s conclusion.  Whether it ends at Staples Center or American Airlines Center on Sunday is simply semantics.

“I know they do this in hockey all the time” said Bryant referring to the THREE teams in history that have comeback from an 0-3 deficit.  I wouldn’t exactly say that’s all the time.  Sure, the Bruins did it last year against the Flyers and the Red Sox did it to the Yankees in 2004 but it’s not gonna happen this time around.  This Mavs team, one that looked dead in the water and ready to be blown up after last year has come back with a fury.  They’re on a mission.

“I think we came together after that game four in Portland,” said Nowitzki.

They’re 5-0 since. The infamous Mavs team of 2006 made the Finals and had the Heat on the ropes, before giving it all away.  That was a game 3.  L.A.’s chance to break the Mavs was this game 3.  This stage.  Dallas looked nervous in the fourth.  They looked antsy.  The moment appeared too big for them.  But they slowly climbed back bit by bit, and L.A.’s 8 point cushion evaporated.  From there it was all in front of Dallas.  That chance at sweet redemption, making a statement that the old Mavs are dead and the new ones refuse to crack.

Four Mavs scored in double digures, 8 guys scored in total.  That’s what we call balance. 24/29 from the line. 12/29 from 3’s, and they won the rebound battle with the bigger Lakers.  11-4 in fast break points, 4 more blocks.  That’s called spreading it around.  These Mavs are not the breakneck team that used to sprint down the floor with the Suns.  They’re the team that pushes when you push back.  They’re no spring chickens themselves.  It’s not like their window is going to last forever.

But I can officially say that the champs window has closed.

“I don’t know, I might be sick in the head, cause I still think we’re gonna win this series,” said Bryant. “I might be nuts. Win on Sunday. Go back home see if we can win in L.A.”

Sure, anything’s possible.  But what goes up eventually must come down.  It’s the law of physics.

Four teams in North American Pro sports history have done what L.A. is attempting to do.

Good luck with that Kobe.

Photo: AP

With the Mavericks sporting an 11 point lead and just under three minutes to play, they needed that one last basket to put the nail in L.A.’s game two coffin.  Dirk Nowitzki was well up to the challenge.  Dirk backed down his defender briefly as the shot-clock wound down inside of 5, and hoisted one of his trademark fadeaway jump shots, and as the ball sailed through the net, plus the foul, you could feel the air officially go out of Staples Center.

And maybe the Lakers chances of another Phil Jackson three-peat went with it.

After failing for so many years as the favorites, it’s the heavy underdog Mavs who head back to Dallas and American Airlines Center with a commanding 2-0 series lead.  Their soft label on the verge of being shed, their hopes of returning to the NBA Finals in full force.

The Lakers are in a position no Phil Jackson coached Lakers team has ever been — down 2-0 with the series shifting back to the opposition’s.  Pau Gasol was actually booed at home.  Kobe looked like a mere mortal.  As for three point shooting?  Well, it abandoned them tonight at the worst possible time — the entire game!

L.A. started game 2 with an astonishing 15 bricks from downtown before number 16 finally dropped.  When it went in, the game was well in hand for the road team, and Lakers fans were scratching their heads in disbelief.  It’s a feeling few of them are used to since the Pau Gasol era began. Discomfort. Disoriented. Stunned.

“If you would have told me before we would have won both games, that would have been hard to believe,” said a victorious Nowitzki, who turned in a fantastic performance of 24 points and 7 rebounds.

Believe it.  The Mavericks had the same number of wins as L.A. in the regular season and lost homecourt due to a tiebreaker, but few if anyone was really giving them a chance to take out the champs.  Maybe that’s just what Dallas needed.

Mark Cuban’s team has been the hunted for far too long, and that hasn’t usually worked out well for them.  Being the hunter: well, that seems to be a role the Mavs are embracing.  This is the same Dallas team that looked ready to be blown up after a listless first round ouster to the seven seeded Spurs in last year’s playoffs.  The analysts were crying out for change, but Cuban resigned Dirk to a big extension and kept the team intact.

Add Tyson Chandler to the mix, and the Mavs have the deepest and grittiest team they’ve had in years.  They’re tough, they can grind it out, and they’re disciplined.  And it’s showing.

And where Mavs teams of old would fade after being punched in the gut, this Mavs team thrives.

Sure, a lot could happen in these next two games, but more than likely Dallas is going to get at least one at home — and move closer to a return visit to the NBA Finals — a destination they haven’t reached since 2006.  That’s what happens when you have a wily vet at point guard in Jason Kidd and an electric slasher in his backup Jose Barea.  That’s what happens when Dirk is playing as well as ever, and has guys like Shawn Marion and Chandler to crash the boards.

This Mavs team is very different from the Avery Johnson led one that choked away a 2-0 NBA Finals lead.  This one looks like it’s ready for the moment.  Ready for the pressure.  Ready for a chance at redemption, even if the pieces besides the centerpiece all look a whole heck of a lot different.

So how fitting would it be if the Mavs returned to the Finals and found themselves matched up against the Heat?  How epic would that rematch be?  Besides D-Wade Miami looks nothing like the one that clawed back behind Wade to win the title.  But those two are playing by far and away the best basketball of any teams left in the playoffs.  And they’re beating the teams that seem like their biggest challenge en route to a championship berth.

Mike Tirico tweeted to me that it was a “good call, still early,” but it’s not that early anymore.  Halfway through the second round, the Lakers are the best team the Mavs are gonna play out west, and the Celtics are the team that seemed to pose as Miami’s greatest challenger.  Dispose of each, and why not think that destiny has a cage match set up for a second go around?

Five years later it would be one of the more fascinating rematches in sports history.  Imagine: Dirk and the Mavs versus Miami’s Tri-Nasty for the NBA Title.  Atlanta, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles, Memphis, and Oklahoma City will do everything in their power to prevent it from happening, but the deeper these playoffs get, the more I’m convinced.

And if the NCAA Tournament can give us a Final Four of UConn, Kentucky, VCU, and Butler, it hardly seems like a stretch that we could have 2 versus 3 for the rights to call themselves number 1.

Yeah you heard it here first: I’m calling it now.  Barring some unforeseen circumstances, we’re on our way to another NBA Finals rematch.  Only this one would involve neither the Celtics or the Lakers.  Heat-Mavs again?  Now that would be something.

Photo: Reuters

SCOTT JACOBS

It was so convincing that it almost seemed like a fluke.  But make no mistake about it, Miami’s dismantling of the defending back to back world Champion Lakers on a much bally-hooed Christmas day matchup was no mirage.  It was no, “well it happens” kind of thing.  It was the Heat announcing to the NBA world that ‘hey, if you didn’t take us seriously before, you sure as hell better do it now.’

We knew going into the season that Miami’s Tri-nasty was going to be good.  Today they were great.  Merely toying with the team many consider to be the bar-setters, Miami pushed aside a flailing Lakers squad, holding them to 80 points in a 16 point romp.

Though neither team or neither of the many stars showcased in the tilt would say as much, the Heat came in determined to make a statement.  And make a statement they did.  Showing crisp ball movement and hardly ever settling for a bad shot, the Heat methodically picked apart L.A.  But it was their defense, their relentless energy and clogging of the lane with help defenders that fueled Miami’s 14th win in their last 15 games.

The Heat now seem to have a pretty good idea of their roles, aside from Mike Miller.  While the majority of the scoring comes from their Big Three, it’s been guys like Mario Chalmers, James Jones, and Carlos Arroyo who have made all the difference, playing lockdown defense, taking charges, and making big time 3’s when called upon.

Then factor in Miami’s moving parts down low at center, guys like Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Joel Anthony, and even Erik Dampier and Miami has a versatile team that can play a number of different ways.  At the end of the day that’s what makes a collection of guys,a  team.  Miami’s offense is fueled by their phenomenal half court defense and their other guys now know what’s expected of them. Even the stars like Wade, LeBron, and Bosh seem to have it all figured out.

Miami’s 9-8 start raised a lot of concerns about this trifecta, but those concerns are long gone.  If Erik Spoelstra was ever on the hot-seat he’s way off of it now.

What makes Miami such a unique team and such a scary threat down the road is that they can rest their stars.  LeBron can take a seat and Wade and Bosh are there to take over.  Or Wade can take a seat, and LeBron and Bosh can take over.  Though all three are great talents, they’ve become movable parts that have all learned to play with each other.

You can see it in the way they pass the ball around, how they run their breakneck fast pace, and the patience they exhibit on the offensive end of the floor.

The Heat are really good.  Everyone knows it.  Miami knows it.  If they ever doubted themselves, they’re not any longer.  They see that they have a team that can not only pull off huge runs at any point in a game, but a team that on any given night can steamroll anyone by 15-20 points.

Miami still has a long ways to go, and they’ve still yet to beat Dallas or Boston, but they’ll get other cracks at those teams along with some of the NBA’s other elites.

Will Miami hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy at the end of next June? I can’t say.  There’s too many things that could happen between now and then.  But are the Heat quickly becoming the scariest team in the league? I don’t think there’s any doubt.

Photo: Getty

SCOTT JACOBS

Kobe Bryant is a stone cold killer on a basketball court.  That much we know.  But like his Pre-Pau Gasol days, we also know that he can’t single handedly win games against the NBA’s elite without at least a little bit of help.  Last night Kobe played assassin at the TD Garden, but it wasn’t enough, as his supporting cast failed to show up in a pivotal series swinging loss to the suddenly surging Celtics.

Black Mamba did more than his fair share, lighting up Boston for 38 points– including an otherwordly 19 in the 3rd, but it barely put a dent in Boston’s lead, because the rest of his team was completely and utterly useless on this night.

The Lakers shot under 40%, a terrible time to have an off-shooting night, and missed 9 foul shots, an awful time to brick free points and it cost them dearly in the end, because their defense simply could not stop the ever-confident leprechauns from Beantown.

Boston shot nearly 57%, but it  was their overall team effort that shut the door on L.A.’s late attempt at a come from behind victory.  Four Celtics scored in double figures, paced by Paul Pierce who led the way with 27 as Boston inched closer to banner number 18.

But sealing the deal and winning another title in what seems like an endless series of parades for Boston, won’t be easy.  They’ll have to do it in L.A. where the Lakers have two home games left in their season– if they’re lucky that is.

To even get to a series deciding game 7 the Lakers will need to shore up their defense.  Boston simply outclassed them to every loose ball in the fourth quarter, including a series of big time rebounds– one which included Pierce ripping the ball from Bryant as Kobe steamrolled into the lane off of a missed Ron Artest foul shot.  Simply put, Boston wanted this one just a little more than L.A.  And that’s why the Celtics head back to L.A. as the first team in this exciting finals series to reel off two consecutive wins.

There were a few dynamite plays, but the one that truly epitomized this game came in the closing moments with the Celtics clinging to a 87-82 lead.

Garnet chucked the ball to a streaking Pierce who caught it in stride, but found himself running out of room on the sidelines.  With a split second decision to make and the game still in question, Pierce lobbed the ball to an open Rondo, who beautifully put it in the whole, cementing the victory.

The common theme to the game, and that play?  Teamwork.  Boston used it all night to their advantage.  L.A. was a one man show.

It’s no mistake that the Lakers are on the verge of elimination.

Simply put, they no longer look like the better team.

Photo: Getty

SCOTT JACOBS

When the NBA Finals tip off on Thursday it will look very familiar.  Green and White versus Purple and Gold.  Boston versus Los Angeles.  Sunny versus Dreary.  17 versus 15.  If it feels like you’ve seen this scene before, it’s because you have.  Maybe you’re one of those people who loves anothe grudge match for all the marbles between the NBA’s two token franchises.  Or maybe you’re sick of the same two teams dominating the league decade after decade.

We here at Juiced Sports like a little change.

Boston-L.A. is not change.  It’s the same ‘ol story.  Look to the rafters.  In Boston the Celtics have hoisted 17 Larry O’Brien trophies.  In Los Angeles the Lakers have raised 15 banners to the roof.  If there was a Crips versus Blood to the NBA, these two teams would be it.  They’re different, but the results usually end the same: with one of them winning it all.

The Lakers will make an astonishing 31st championship appearance when the Finals tip off.  The Celtics, not too shabby themselves, have made it to the NBA’s biggest stage 21 times.

Meh.

Sometimes you need to switch it up.

Because the way the Celtics and Lakers have humbled the rest of the NBA isn’t funny.  It’s flat out scary.

The numbers truly are startling.

Boston Celtics
Since their inception into the league, 64 years ago, the Celtics have won 28 division titles, made the playoffs an unbelievable 47 times, and rampaged into the Conference Finals 32 times.  They’ve made the Finals 21 times, and won it all an astonishing 17 times.

The percentages are remarakable.  Since playing their first ever game on November 2, 1946, the Celtics have won their division nearly 44% of the time.  Made the Conference Finals 50% of the time.  Made the Finals nearly 33% of the time.  And they’ve polished off title after title almost 27% of the time.

Those numbers are mind-blowing for a pro sports league, until you go west young man, where you’ll find a Lakers team that has literally been in the thick of things practically every year since their entrance into the league.

Los Angeles Lakers
Since their inception into the league, 61 years ago, the Lakers have won 30 division titles, made the playoffs an absurd 57 times, and marched into the Conference Finals 40 times.  They’ve made the Finals a completely ridiculous 30 times, and won it all a very impressive 15 times.

The percentages are even more insane.  Since playing their first ever game on November 3, 1949, the Minneanapolis/L.A. Lakers  have won their division nearly 50% of the time.  Made the conference finals 65% of the time.  Made the finals nearly 50% of the time.  And they’ve polished off title after title almost 25% of the time.

Those numbers are more than just video game-esque.  They’re nauseating.

In the East, The Hawks, Nets, Cavaliers, Bobcats, Pacers, Magic, and Raptors have never won a title.  The entire Eastern Conference with the exception of Boston has won it all just 14 times.  The Celtics have won it all three more times than the rest of their conference combined.

In the West it’s not much different.  The Nuggets, Mavericks, Timberwolves, Clippers, Grizzlies, Hornets, Suns, Jazz, and Kings have  never won it all.  The entire Western Conference with the exception of Minneanapolis/L.A. has won it all just 9 times.  The Lakers have 6 more titles than their entire conference combined.

The Celtics have more titles than their are teams in their conference.  The Lakers have as many titles as their are teams out West.  16 teams have never won it all.  That’s exactly the average number of titles the Celtics and Lakers have when you combine the two.

So to say that I’m not exactly ecstatic about another one of these power-houses claiming another title is the understatement of the century.  Forget David versus Goliath.  This is King Kong versus Superman.  Titanic versus Avatar.  The immovable object versus the unstoppable force.

We like to root for underdogs. There are none in this clash of the greats.

The Lakers and Celtics could open their own Hall of Fame if they wanted to.

Los Angeles has retired 7 numbers.  Boston has 21.  Twenty one people!  The Lakers have 16 Hall of Famers. The Celtics have 30.  L.A.’s Jerry West is the insignia for the NBA logo.  Bill Russell is the most decorated champion ever.  Magic-Bird revived the league in the 1980’s.  They’re still writing about that rivarly even to this day.  With the exception of Jordan’s Bulls in the 1990’s, The Celtics and Lakers have run the NBA as if it was their own personal arcade.  Two supremely successful units constantly trying to one up the other for league supremacy.

I could go on, but why bother.  It’s pretty freaking clear these are the crown jewel franchises of the sport.

On Thursday night, they face off again for the 12th time.

To determine another champion.  A new champion.

But for some funny reason, it feels like old news.  Very old news.

Graphic: Scott Jacobs

PAUL NARDIZZI

Kobe and the Lakers are now tied 2-2 with the Suns.  The Lakers, a team most NBA losers thought would roll to the Finals, are now in a dogfight that could go the distance.  The Lakers biggest problem has been solving…., are you ready for this…, the Suns defense.

The Suns have never been known for their defense, in fact the Suns up to this point in their sordid history have never played defense.  The only reason the Suns place a man in the paint is so he can retrieve the ball after it comes through the netting and then quickly get it inbounds to a guard.  The Suns have gone through centers like most teams go through tubes of jock itch.  But they deserve credit in this series.

The Suns have packed it in during these Finals and showcased a 2-3 zone which has given the Lakers fits.  The old adage in life  is stay in school, and the Lakers, whose roster is littered with players who never attended a full four years of college, or in some cases a solitary high school class,  are now looking like the uneducated dropouts they truly are.  In college, for those of you who are not following, zones are the norm. The best way to attack a zone is to use skip passes and drive to the hoop, however the Lakers have chosen to bomb away from outside and are doing major damage to the rim.

At one point in Game 4,  Laker guard and non college educated Kobe Bryant called a timeout so he could head to the bench and ask Coach Phil Jackson what his recommendations were.

Jackson peered at his blackboard and said, “That’s a 2-3 zone?  Really, oh well, I don’t have the slightest clue how to attack it, I just know how to sit here on my padded folding chair, pick crud out of my horrendous looking schnozz and sub in some of the game’s greatest players.  Been doing it for years, to the tune of 10 titles and a s*%# load of credit I don’t deserve.  Take away my rings, stick me in a place like Philly and I’m no better than Dick Motta.  Does anyone know Lebron’s number, I may follow his ass to the next city.  Lebron is going to get me a toe ring.”

The World Cup starts soon, and it’s become readily apparent that we’re going to have to sit through another solid month of listening to overweight radio jocks ripping the sport from pillar to post.  I have no problem with sports fans stating that hockey, basketball, and football are more exciting to watch.  But when these overweight turds spend hours talking baseball and then take a time out to bash soccer, I lose it.  Baseball?  Is that even a sport?

Last time I saw a baseball player sweat, he was sitting in front of a Congressional Hearing on steroids.  That’s when baseball completely lost it for me.  Five players go to Congress to address the steroid issue and they all lie.  Congress should have placed needles on the seats just before they all sat down.  Then we could have seen how many players said, “Ouch,” and how many said, “Darn, we have a game today?”

Baseball games last four hours and you have players like David Ortiz, the man titted Dominican lard ass, sitting on his derriere for 3 hours and 55 minutes of that 4 hour period.  That’s not playing a sport, that’s taking a siesta.  Ortiz burns more calories sprinting to the post game buffet than he does playing this desultory game.

He’s on his ass so often, I’m surprised he doesn’t work an additional part time job while he’s in the dugout.  He could bat his turn, haul his corpulent butt back to the dugout, quickly set up a workstation and sell Amway on the side.   “David, you’re up!” “Hold on, I got a woman on line who wants to buy a bucket of tampons!”

I think the best thing about soccer is you can play it at almost any age.  I am over 40 and I still play.  I feel bad for people who wrestled in high school.  That’s a bad choice, most people don’t continue wrestling after they leave middle school.  You’ll never hear of a 50 year old guy calling up his old wrestling teammate, “Hey Frank, Bob here.  Listen, why don’t you grab your singlet and meet me down at the park, I’m going to wrap my thighs around your greasy skull for a couple of hours.  That way your adam’s apple can get reacquainted with my scrotum!  Why don’t we say 3 o’clockish, you get down on all fours and I will approach you from the rear.  I’ll be coming out of the woods wearing a cape and a ski mask.  Bring you’re A game bitch because I will be greased up and rearin’ to go.

Photo: AP