SCOTT JACOBS

The nearly two week delay was over.

Finally!

Alex Rodriguez blasted his 600th home run yesterday.  Against Toronto.  In the middle of the day.  In the first inning.

The ball landed in the netting out in center field and faded from view.  Yankee fans stood and cheered.  His teammates who have been with him through so much since his arrival in the Bronx stood at the top of the dugout, witnesses to history.  A-Rod embraced Derek Jeter at home plate in a warm hug and jogged lighty towards the dugout, high-fiving and hugging teammates, a big smile on his face.  Or maybe it was relief.  

600.

And yet in the sport that celebrates milestones like no other, this felt dry.  In New York it was celebrated.  Then again in San Fran so was Barry Bonds way back when.  So what, right?

But elsewhere it just feels like blah.  Like an entertaining movie that started off great, slowed down dramatically halfway through, and by the time it got to the end it just sort of didn’t matter because you didn’t care about the character enough.

That’s A-Rod if you ask me.  Once he admitted to being a former steroid-user in his Texas days, his credibility as a premiere slugger took an irrevocable hit.  600 home runs should matter.  It should be a huge deal.  Instead, it’s just another historic feat reached by a clouded superstar.

So yeah, he’s the youngest and he may one day reach 700 and who knows maybe 800 and beyond.  But in the end it doesn’t matter anymore.  We’ve tired of the home run hoax.  No one wants to see any more smoke and mirrors, so even what’s real is getting caught in the windshield and getting smudged away.

The feeling here is this: 600 should be a big deal, but we’ve gone through this home run trot so many times before, like Brett Favre going through retirements that we’re pretty much sick of it.  It’s just a nice dog doing old tricks.  We want to see a new dog pulling off new tricks.  Steroid free please.

Shaq signs with another contender, immediately becomes media-relevant again

But still not good. Give him whatever stupid nickname you want, the guy is no longer good.  He’s only considered a decent center because that position has lost its relevance in the league.  Shaq brings hype everywhere he goes (which is everywhere lately, but he hasn’t delivered squat in a really long time).  He only stands to get worse these next two years, his health is an issue, his ego always becomes a distraction, and he just takes up space.  His free throw shooting is atrocious, he’s not a game-changer, and he probably makes Rajon Rondo worse.  With Shaq comes the name, but the production is bordering on minuscule.  He might make the Celts worse. Just saying.

Brett Favre retires through a text message than un-retires without committing to anything again

What’s new?

Shaq’s done it before, and he did it again. Throwing down a rap against another player. His keystone lyrics were, “Kobe couldn’t do without me,” and “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes,” which he got the crowd to chant at the end of his performance.

He also had some fun lines in the middle of the rap:

Ain’t nobody in the world do it bigger than me
That’s like a white boy trying to be more n*gger than me
That’s like a homeless cat having more fingers than me
That’s like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me
That’s like you singing to yourself you’re better than me
That’s like Kareem saying to himself he’s better than me

Here he is after the 2002 Western Conference Finals dissing Vlade Divac, telling him to “Go where people know your name”:

Here’s some more videos of Shaq rapping:

from 1996:

Here he is in a dance-off with LeBron and Dwight Howard at the 2007 All-Star Game:

And here is one of Shaq’s actual raps off one of his CDs. This is “Shoot Pass Slam,” off his debut album, “Shaq Diesel”:

SCOTT JACOBS

Alright kids, grow the bleep up.

End this like men. Quit bitching like teenage boys.

Kobe seemingly moved on. Shaq just doesn’t know when to shut his yap.

A week after Kobe and the Lakers were eliminated beatdown by the Celtics in the NBA Finals, Shaq is back in the spotlight. No he’s no offering up memories of being the number one pick in light of Thursday’s NBA Draft. He’s not sharing war stories with new Suns coach Terry Porter. No news has broke whether he is man enough to take a pay cut so the Suns don’t completely lose their shine.

But he is willing to rap comedically (wink wink) about Kobe, Kobe’s affect on his marriage divorce, and other HILARIOUS things.

Only, after hearing them, they’re not really that funny. In fact, they’re pathetic.

As Shaq watches his career dwindle, and his skills diminish, he apparently wants to leave no stone unturned. Even if that stone gets thrown from coast to coast, desert to beach.

And this… is from a diehard Phoenix Suns fan.

Look, I wanted to believe Shaq was the final piece to the puzzle, just like I wanted to believe that these sickening rap lyrics were indeed a joke, but I got duped once, and it’s not happening again.

Shaq, if these lyrics are a joke, then you have a sick sense of humor!

But planet earth, observe the lyrics yourself and have at it.

“You know how I be. Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.”

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That’s why I’m getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a [woman] a mil. I don’t do that ’cause my name’s Shaquille. I love ‘em, I don’t leave ‘em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em.”

Hear his verbal diarrhea here.

(For the record Shaq has since appologized, saying to Stephen A. Smith: “I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MCs do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all. And by the way, don’t forget, six albums, two platinum, two gold. Anybody who knows me knows I’m a funny freestyler. Check the NBA DVD when I was rapping about Vlade Divac during my first championship run. Please tell everybody don’t make something out of nothing.”)

I don’t care. When you start accusing another guy of ruining your marriage that crosses the line.

Shaq, just admit you’re done. The Heat couldn’t get rid of you fast enough, and Phoenix fans would party if they could get your contract off the books so their team isn’t strapped to your $40 million contract the next 2 years.

I like Shaq. I met the man. I interviewed him. He’s a quiet guy with a surprisingly wimpy hand shake. But here’s the thing: he can say some really stupid things. This is another instance of that.

I’ll be back for Don Imus’ blood later. Don’t worry, there’s plenty to go around.

Smart people come and go. But idiots are always one microphone away.

I get the critics. And the crickets that are all coming out following Phoenix’s stunning blockbuster trade that landed the old, out of shape, and out of gas Diesel for the young, quick, fresh legged Shawn Marion and a point guard in Marcus Banks that was a disaster from the get go. I get that. I was one of them, mortified at the idea of the Suns trading in their high wire circus act for a lumbering 7 foot, size 23 mammoth.

But I’ve warmed up to the idea, giving it considerable thought after sifting through tons, and I mean tons of articles and columns, not to mention videos on the trade and what it all means. My reaction after keeping an open mind to what originally seemed like a terrible deal: I get it. I do. Hide the kids from the computer screen, cause I’m going in and taking on a world of doubters who see no logic in this deal whatsoever. But like Phoenix’s core, my opinion has the right to change to. And I’m not running for President so I can change my mind as many times as I want and not end up on CNN or Fox News.

But back to the story that is Shaq to the Suns. Planet Orange just acquired it’s biggest citizen and potentially the last piece of the puzzle to that championship dream that has plagued the Suns for over 40 years. Shaq is old, injury prone (already missed 14 games this year), and his bank shot (well, have you seen it lately?) isn’t exactly going to end up in the Smithsonian. But here’s the thing: this isn’t about that.

After listening carefully to Mike D’Antoni and Steve Kerr, along with many other basketball minds, this trade isn’t about that. They’re bringing in Shaq for toughness. As an avid Suns fan, who has followed the team passionately for years (even before the Nash Era) I’ve seen that this team always comes so close, yet so far.

In 2005 when they had the best record in the NBA Joe Johnson’s eye got messed up in the Western Finals, and so were Phoenix’s chances. They lost 4 games to 1. In 2006 the Suns got all the way to the Western Conference Finals again, this time coming up a sliver short without Amare Stoudemire. In 2007, they lost that epic series to the Spurs 4 games to 2, but never really had their fair shot because of suspensions that had nothing to do with the game. I’m not making excuses, merely pointing out that maybe the Suns felt cursed.

Every time it looked like they were good to go some freak injury or whacky suspension (see Steve Nash’s bizarre broken nose in game 1 against the Spurs last year) curtailed their season. Every time they got close they couldn’t grab that crucial board or go man to man with some of the top big guys in the west. The Suns played small ball better then anyone (still probably do, even after this trade), but what they saw in Shaq was someone who could be a temporary solution.

Shaq is not an all world defender by any means, but he can clog some of those massive holes that Tony Parker, Deron Williams, and other western superstars drove right through. Now, Tim Duncan doesn’t just land on free parking every time he gets the ball down low. He will have someone there to contest him.

Like the trade or not, it doesn’t mean a change in strategy per say. It really means Phoenix can play both ways. Last week when they lost to the Spurs in a defensive struggle they could not get rebounds to save their life. Every playoff series the last 3 years the Suns were eaten alive on the boards and that took its toll. The Suns were unable to initiate their fast breaks to the same sort of success and then their reliance on the 3 pointer would go in and out.

Shaq is no savior. I’m not proclaiming that. But I do get this trade. And then there’s this. How do you make a player better? Surround him with shooters and a wizard at the point guard position. Slot him across from a freakishly good athlete in Amare and let things fall as they may.

What people continue to see is Shaq can’t run the break. No, he can’t. But he can initiate it. And in the half court set, he can either post up and turn to the basket or dish it out to his three point dynamos. In Miami he disappeared (along with the rest of that team) because they had no shooters. None. Jason Kapono left for Toronto, James Posey saw Boston as his choice, and Eddie Jones left for Dallas.

With the Suns, Shaq has Nash, Raja Bell, Leandro Barbosa, even Grant Hill to dump it off to for a killer three. As for Amare, think about all the open looks he should be getting. Shaq is a good passer and Amare is good at finding the basketball. Yeah, the pick and roll may look like blob and roll at first, but Phoenix will have it’s shot to get it right. And D’Antoni is a brilliant offensive mind who will put the pieces together and find the right fit.

And here’s another thing: One for the thumb. Shaq was in the pits of basketball nation with Miami this year. But now he’s got another shot to grab a fifth title. Phoenix trainers have worked the miracle that is Amare back to stardom even after micro-fracture knee surgery, so I’ve got a hunch they can come up with something for Shaq.

This is all prevalent on Shaq’s health, which I think will be there come playoff time. Yes, he lost a step or two, but he also lost his fight and his motivation with Miami. After he won them a title things only faded from there. So there’s that.

And there’s also this. Phoenix finally got rid of Banks contract. A huge flop with the Suns Banks now his chance to spread his wings elsewhere.

As Steve Kerr said, “I’m either a genius or a moron.”

At first I thought he was a moron. Now, well now I’m ready to just wait and see. This can work. Phoenix can win the west. Yes they’re old and brittle, but its now or never with Nash now 34 years young. This is that final push. The high flying Suns aren’t done, they’re simply revamped and reloaded, and there’s a new sheriff in town.

His name is Shaquille, and he CAN help bring a ring to Planet Orange. Whether he will or not, well that’s a great reason to stay tuned. The NBA just got a whole lot more interesting.

Pass the popcorn.

More Shaq-Suns

I understand why the Suns traded Shawn Marion for Shaq. They lost in the playoffs a few times, so they think an aging big man with a big name is going to win them the Finals. If not, they will at least go deep in the playoffs or at least make the playoffs. Wait, don’t they already do that every season?

Look, they lost in the playoffs a few times, and then some people started blaming their losses on the type of team they have: a bunch or run n gunners who can’t play defense. GM Steve Kerr in his first year might believe that, which is why he is changing the team’s philosophy. But, if they can’t win in the playoffs, how’d they get to the semifinals last year?

Critics contend that they lost the semifinals. While true, it ignores the fact that the Spurs beat them then went on to sweep the Cavs. While the East hasn’t been a formidable matchup for the Western champs for the past few years, there is no doubting that the Spurs are a great team. Losing to them in the playoffs in nothing to be ashamed of.

The success of a sports team is determined by making the playoffs and hopefully winning a title. The Suns have made the playoffs and challenged for a title every year using this style. All fans and analysts believe they have had success. So why fix something that isn’t broken?

You can say they don’t win in the playoffs. (Correction: They don’t win NBA titles.) Maybe that’s because there are 29 other teams that want a title? Now not all of those teams are contenders, but, especially in the West, there are enough that the law of probabilities has it that if you put together a championship-caliber team and play great all season you probably won’t win a title. There are just a lot of other contenders who will win for whatever reason; either by playing better, or getting lucky.

Getting lucky. Or rather getting the other team suspended. That’s how the Spurs beat the Suns last year when Cheap Shot Bob Horry slammed Steve Nash then the NBA suspended Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw for walking a few paces onto the court. The Spurs didn’t win because of good defense or bs like that.

One of the excuses used for the trade is that Shaq will help the Suns defense. Disregard the fact that Marion has averages more blocks per game than Shaq. His presence is best shown in how well he keeps people from going inside and scoring and shooting better overall. That must explain why the Heat as a team allows a higher field goal percentage (47% to 45%) and only four less points per game (104 to 100) than the Suns. If Shaq is so good at improving team D for a team that can’t play D, why is the Heat so bad a D?

Shaq won’t get them over the hump. He’s past his prime. The Suns had a contender that was the best team in the West this season and among the best for many seasons. Adding someone to build expectations won’t change whether they win a title or not. Luck will.

The only thing this is good for is having Shaq’s talent level decline even more in the next few years so that expectations decline as the Suns decline and then you don’t have idiots complaining about how the Suns can’t win in the playoffs. Fans would rather have their team habitually lose than not win in the playoffs. At least they don’t have to care.

SCOTT JACOBS

Pau Gasol is now a Laker. In unrelated news all hell has broken loose.

The Suns are discussing a trade for Shaquille ONeal? Huh? Why?

I get the whole, we’ve need to mix things up thing for Phoenix. I get the whole, please take Shaq off our hands thing for Miami. But why in the world would the up-tempo, high flying, draft pick dealing Suns, look at an aging, overpriced, broken down former Superstar, who hasn’t put together a consistent, dominant season since his first year with the Heat.

That was OVER THREE YEARS AGO!

The deal, as mentioned on numerous media outlets has Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks’ ludicrous contract going to Miami for the over the hill, best days behind him ONeal, and his massive, absoultuely ludicrous two year 40 million dollar contract that he has remaining after this year.

Yes, Marion is not thrilled in Phoenix, but the Suns could have possibly gotten Garnett for Marion. Now they’re looking at 35 year old Shaq? Shaq can’t move any more. He can’t turn to the basket, he doesn’t command double teams, in fact he can’t even stay healthy.

Yes, if this was Shaq from 3 years ago, this dealwould be intriguing. Shaq and Amare on the same team. Righteous man! And Phoenix has the shooters Miami lacks. And they’ve got a plethora of playmakers that the Heat do not. But it still makes ABSOLUTLEY, POSITIVELY NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.

It’s said when people are going, “Crap! No, not Shaq!”, but that’s the reality that the once unstoppable center now faces. Why any team would want him is baffling. He is not the drawing machine or scoring machine that he once was.

If people want to argue the Randy Moss factor I will listen. And then I’ll laugh. Moss is in shape, and never had injury problems which were sustained. He just had a lack of motivation. Shaq is overweight,and old. Ironic, the timing of this story when you think about it.

The Heat are just about ready to abandon the Shaq experiment, and start over, while the Lakers are now being dubbed as serious contenders in the west after acquiring Pau Gasol. The Heat have 9 wins. The Lakers are 15 games above .500.

I guess crazier things have been discussed before. But if a deal like this went down it would go against all logic and then some. It would be waving the white flag, and picking up a green one. Because getting Shaq would eat away at Phoenix’s payroll and their chances like a cancer.

The Lakers are smiling right now. Keeping Kobe appears to have been the smarter move.
And who would have thought that everyone else would be trying to keep pace with them, just three years after the trade that appeared to make no sense.

And I’m not talking about this one.